I am worthy

A few months ago I went for a job interview for the first time in 18 years.  It was an amazing thing - I had to go twice and both times I was quite ok and I realized how great the healing is that the Lord has brought in my life.   Previously, if I had to do anything which involved more than one person at a time, I was petrified.  It used to be terrible for me, especially the thought that many people are all watching me at the same time.  My first feeling was always that I wouldn't be acceptable, that no one would like me, that I would be rejected, that I wouldn't fit in.  It was amazing to realize (beforehand) that I wasn't thinking like that at all.. that I was ok and that I didn't fear them at all.  Praise God!

Then, last week (7/5/99) I did the first speech ever in my life. It was on trich and even though I know my subject (smile... I have MANY years of experience) and even though I'm not ashamed abt admitting to have trich anymore, it was a very, very scary time for me.  I've never done anything like that before and it was really scary, talking to psychologists, social workers etc. etc.  In the end, it all went quite well and they asked good questions and really cared abt doing the right thing for their patients.

It was only a few days later that I realized something wonderful.  I was NEVER afraid of the fact that they would all be watching me, and I never even had a thought that they would reject me, or that I wouldn't fit in, etc.  Those things never even entered my mind!  Wow, how far has the Lord not brought me!

Another thing also made me realize how great my emotional healing has been.  I have the wonderful opportunity to go to the Trich retreat in California in October 1999.  I know myself, and I know how fear would have gripped me before, with the thought of going.  I know that I would have been fearful of the plane ride (who will I sit next to, will I have a 'friend' on the plane, will I have someone to talk to, will that someone want to talk to me?).  'And then the thought of arriving at the airport - what will they think when they see me, how will I arrive at the camp, what will they think of me?  Will I be acceptable in my clothing, in my talking etc. etc?  More important... who will be my roommate?   Will people like me?  Will I be the wallflower again (like my whole life through), will they form groups of friends and I won't fit in?  Who will sit next to me when we go to eat etc.

Well, well............ great was the realization that I would be ok, that even if I won't have a friend at the retreat, I will still be ok... because I'm ok as a person, I'm not a bad person, I'm worthy, there is no reason for anyone to reject me.  And even if I don't have a friend/roommate etc... it still doesn't mean that I'm not ok.  I AM acceptable, I AM a good person, I am alright! 

For someone who NEVER felt that she fitted in, this is a huge realization and a wonderful thing to know.  Praise God for that!   I'm not saying the above things to say that I'm special or good or anything like that.  I'm just saying it in thankfulness, realizing that I can now (for the first time in my life ), accept myself, like myself and even love myself.  For many years I could never do this.  Since the trich discovery and the emotional healing that came from that (over a period of time), my life has changed dramatically, in ways that people on the outside may never see, but I know the huge changes that has taken place in my life since that day in Aug 1996. 

All the honor and glory to God!