When God told me to stop...

In February 1995, I attended a church camp. At that stage I had stopped pulling from my head, but had moved to my legs and pubic area - in fact, I was looking really - bad had almost no hair 'down there'.  I was divorced, so no-one knew, and my denial was very deep - I did it but tried not to think about it.  I was hiding it even to myself.

Then we had a talk which really shook me.  It was from Hebrew 12:1-2:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders AND the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

The pastor explained it like this.  If you run a road race, there are certain rules that you have to follow.  If you don't follow these rules, you will be disqualified.   But, he said, there is nothing that prevents you to take a bag full of rocks, put it on your back and run the race that way.  It isn't against the rules, but it surely will be holding you back, making the race extremely difficult.  He explained that the verse in Hebrews were talking about two things - 1:  Sin,   and 2:   Things that hinders us, that hold us back, things that are not sin, but holds us back in running the race to the best of our abilities.

Suddenly something spoke in my heart.... what is there that I'm doing that is not sin, but is holding me back in the race of life?  And I knew... my pubic pulling.  But I didn't want to accept it.  I thought... no, it is just some thought that came in my head, it isn't actually something that God is telling me to stop.

So I tried to ignore it.  That night (as always), I pulled... and afterwards read my Bible.  I believe it was in Revelations.  And God said:....... Rev 2:2..... I know your deeds.....     Well, I thought, it has to be coincidence.   The next night I pulled again (of course) and I read further in Revelations... Rev 2:19... I know your deeds.............  (oooppss).... but still, I didn't want to accept it.    So the next night I decided to test this.   I actually succeeded in not pulling and I thought:  Ah God, let's see what you have to say now.  I am sure you're going say again:  I know all your deeds.    Oh dear... that night I definitely didn't get anything like that again.   So I decided to test it further.    I decided not to read in Revelations anymore, so I went to the old Testament.  Unfortunately I don't know the verses anymore, but I think it was in Deuteronomy or Exodus.  I pulled and that night the Lord said:  I know what you do...

Sigh... I had to accept it, God surely knew what I was doing.  Ok, so I tried to work at it.   Remember, I love the Lord, so even though it is hard, I want to do what He wants me to do.  So I told my two spiritual fathers            (2 great friends at work), but I did NOT tell them what the problem was.  I started talking abt my 'never-problem', because I said that I would NEVER tell anyone what the problem was.   I was prayed for, I prayed for myself (very much), I was prayed to being freed from whatever was binding me, and I cried a lot, because I just couldn't stop.  I tried so hard... but then fell 'off the wagon' day after day after day.  I so much wanted to do God's will, but I just couldn't stop pulling.  And the whole time, no one knew what my 'never-problem' was.

Then one day.... shock upon shock... God showed my one spiritual father exactly what my 'never-problem' was.  He came in, telling me that God had shown him in a dream what my problem was.  Remember, at that stage I had never told anyone about it, and even though I had stopped pulling from head, I didn't discuss that much either.  I didn't know at that stage about trichotillomania, I still thought that I was the only person in the world pulling out their hair.  So the thought that this guy could possibly know what I was doing, was just dismissed as being impossible.  But just to be safe, (smile), I refused to let him tell me what the dream was.  It was SO embarrassing anyway!  Imagine if there was just the remotest chance that he could know?   Well, then he started giving me advice............. and from the advice he gave me, I KNEW that he knew exactly!  Oh dear, that was terrible!  I was totally shocked and felt very betrayed by God.  How could he do this to me?  How could he show my friend what I was doing?  Never mind the pulling part, the 'where' of the pulling... showing that to a male friend!

It was months after that, that I got onto the internet and made the huge discovery - I was not alone, I was not crazy, I wasn't the only one pulling from my pubic region!!  Praise God!!

Today, I still don't understand how God had told me to stop, 18 months before I even knew about trichotillomania.  He knew that it wasn't possible for me to stop then.  All I can think up to now, is that God wanted me to become aware of what I was doing, to start 'working' on my problem.  Remember, my denial of my pulling ran very deep - so that is all I can think... God wanted to start bringing it to the surface.