Definition of Success   You can do it!

Following is the comments of some of the people on the Fairlight Bulletin Board

I just wanted to add another observation to all that has been said about making a commitment to not pulling. Think of it as exercise. When I started walking a couple of months ago, I thought a mile was forever.  Now that I've been walking regularly, my stamina has increased, and a mile goes by quickly. I can't run a marathon (yet!), but I am stronger. In the same way, as we practice not pulling, we're building "muscles" that make it easier not to pull. The first couple of weeks are horrible, but then it gets easier--if you persist. I've slipped a couple of times over the last month, but each slip has been of short duration, and my attitude has been, "Well, what's done is done; let's get back on track." Am I pull free? Technically, no; but I have a lot more hair now than I did 6 months ago. Plus I have the strength to stop myself in mid-pull and say, "No, I don't want to do this anymore." To add another catch-phrase that has helped me: Pull-free isn't about perfection; it's about persistence.  So I've changed my definition of success. Success no longer means being perfectly pull free; it means being persistently pull free. In other words, I'm in this for the long haul, not just until I succumb to a passing urge. I'm not going to beat myself up for failing, because I will fail. (Last time I checked, I was still human.)   I'm not going to let a temporary failure push me into a permanent one. But I am going to push myself always to try harder, because little success build longer successes. I can do this!         -   (Margaret - Bulletin Board - 14/1/98)

Just don't give up!

 

Let's strengthen those weak muscles!   Just persist until you are successful!               

 

 

The difference between a "try" and a commitment, to me, is that when a try fails - you give up in despair. A commitment means that even when you slip, you realise that this is important and you keep on trying even though it is very hard.  We can tell you that if you persevere - the urges will diminish greatly. It may take 3 weeks to a month to get over the worst of it and even then, occasionally, when you least expect it, the urge will come back.  But, truly power IS strength over time. The more you say NO the easier it gets. This has been reported here again and again. If you stay committed to not pulling every day for the rest of your life, you will be successful. Things are very difficult for the first month of going pull-free. It is a wild emotional roller-coaster of a ride as you argue back and forth with yourself about the need to put yourself through this h#%@. One thing is certain, barring a miracle, if you do not stop pulling - then you will keep pulling. It is not going to stop on it's own. We have had one woman in her 70's and two in their 60's posting here.   This is not about willpower. For me, and others here have had the same experience, it is like a light switch went on. After reading this board for awhile, it just became very clear to me that I was going to have to stop pulling out my hair if I wanted hair. That sounds so simplistic. But it really is what happened and I think it all of the time. If my hand goes to my head - A really loud voice says - HEY! - we don't do that anymore. Power IS strength over time.  The longer I go, the weaker trich's voice gets and the more booming my own voice gets. It feels great. I wish that I could put it in a bottle and give it to each of you.  One way that I got over the first week blues was to come to this board and scream. It was in March and April of 1997. I came here and yelled I HATE HAVING TRICH. LIFE ISN'T FAIR. IT DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. It felt good to have a place where everyone really understands just how frustrating trich can be. But, then I went on taking a chance on success. I would tell myself, well if this no-pulling thing doesn't work out, I can always go back to pulling - but, for once in my life, I want to see if I can really stop. Each time I wanted to give in, I just dug down a little deeper (with a lot of help from my friends here) and pledged to keep going for another day. With each day of success came growing power over my trich.                                                                                             (Marge - Bulletin Board - 14/1/98).

To me, success with Trich isn't being pull-free, but being a whole person again, accepting the disorder for what it really is (the real truth), accepting the realities of what we are up against, not ever giving up on being pull-free, yet loving and accepting yourself whether you pull or not.  Margaret mentioned the word 'technically pull-free'. Technically pull-free means (to me) never ever pulling on another hair ever again.  In that sense, I am not pull-free. For instance, the grey hairs that are coming in in ever-increasing amounts (giggle). I don't like how it looks- a grey hair sticking out between the others. So if I see one sticking out - I pull it out, and I am quite happy with it. Millions of other people do it as well. (without trich) . The difference comes in when I can't get away from the mirror and start pulling without stopping. So for that odd hair that I pull - I don't see that as 'breaking my record'. Even when I have a hair that really bugs me - below the chin :-} (hi Steph!)   Sometimes there is one that really, really bugs me. Then I would take a conscious decision and take it out. Why go through all the drama of having it really get to me for the next few days? BUT then after that, I have to make a choice - do I leave it at that, or do I continue, and get into a 'trance' and pull non-stop?  For me, the ones that really boul me over, is when I eat wrong, and I get urges. When I give in to those, I would definitely see it as giving in to TTM and breaking the record. I have come to the point in my life where I accept that I will have TTM for the rest of my life, and I have adjusted my life as far as possible to cater for that (diet, tricks to control my hands etc). But I have stopped hating myself for it, I have put the blame where it should be - at trich's feet, not at mine.  Yes, if it wasn't for the consequences (sp.?), I would still love to pull my hair constantly - that is the trich in me that wants me to do that. But I will fight the Trich in future, not myself anymore.                                                                                                     (Amanda - Bulletin Board - 15/1/98)

PPF as it is called is the honest attempt to remain pull free but not beating yourself up over the slip ups you make. I pulled one hair this morning and I am not mad, I was actually shocked I had done it. But my time ppf is still on the clock so to speak. Some ppl make it "Perfectly Pull Free" and we applaud them but no louder than the presistant attempts to remain pull free.

(By the way, in calling myself "persistently pull-free," I mean basically that while I haven't been 100% pull-free since I started counting on January 20, when I found this board, I have had many perfectly pull-free days since then--in fact, most of them have been perfectly pull-free. I have pulled some lashes, mostly without even being aware of what I was doing, but only about 5-6 total in 12 weeks. If I strive to be perfectly pull-free, then I must start from scratch if I slip even the tiniest bit, and have "failed" totally by pulling just one lash, which I think is just too discouraging. Being "persistently pull-free" is a goal that it is far easier to meet, and allows us to be less-than-perfect but still absolutely good enough.)

You wanted to know if you can count yourself "pull-free" if you're still fiddling with your hair, picking at your skin, etc. My feeling is that you don't necessarily have to determine your success in battling your trich in terms of whether or not you've pulled out any hair. That is, you may have achieved some success because you haven't actually removed any hair, but you may still feel unsuccessful, or at least not completely successful, as I do, because you've been playing with your hair all day, or even just thinking about it in a way that takes up time that could or should be spent on more productive endeavors. On the other hand, you may have removed some hair, but you may have been able to stop yourself before you removed as much as you had in previous binges, so feel successful even though in objective terms, you're not even close to pull- free. While the "pull-free" and "perfectly pull-free" slogans are often a good, universally-understood, shorthand way to describe success at fighting trich, they're not always the most accurate phrases for describing what feels like success, or a lack thereof, to any particular person. I think you answered your own question when you spoke in the same post about "control." For me, being successful in fighting trich isn't so much about being perfectly or persistently pull-free, but about being comfortable with what I'm doing, and being satisfied with the degree of control I'm able to exercise. I want to avoid trich's ultimate effect (which in my case is lashlessness), but also want to avoid the stops along the way that get me to that ultimate, unwelcome destination. Thus, I define success for myself not just as having a full set of lashes, which is a big part of it, but leaving them alone, and not obsessing about them, even if I manage to stop short of pulling them out.  I'm doing well on the stopping-short count, but don't feel successful yet on the rest.

Something from Mike Grant

Hair is a not a good way of measuring progess with ttm. Oftentimes progress is incremental with temporary ups and downs but with an overall trend toward recovery and inner growth. If anyone has ever observed a climber making his or her way to a summit, you will notice their path is not a straight ascent
upward. Sometimes a grip is momentary lost, a rock gives way, or other anticipated unplanned event occurs and some ground is temporarily ceded, sometimes more than once, before the climber reaches the summit. Success is based upon anticipating the unplanned and continuing on towards the goal. No
one plans a lapse anymore than a rock climber plans for a rock to give way. However, the experienced climber knows that is to be expected and plans for the eventuality. The same is true for the individual who has ttm. Those that  have been the most successful in the long run are those who accepted the
inevitable setback as part of the journey towards recovery and planned for its eventuality. This planning involves emotional preparation to deal with the feelings involved. Like the skilled climber, a successful trichster may have their own safety net to fall back upon should a lapse occur. This safety net could be anything from having a support network to going for a short haircut to limit the pulling before significant damage occurs.