How God helped me stop touching my hair
Since I cut my hair, I've been struggling with it. Suddenly it is
straight, and oh so touchable (sigh). Previously, when it was long, it was
fastened with a clip most of the time, so it wasn't so easy to push my hands
though my hair. Now that it is short, I love it to push my hands through my
hair. But it is so dangerous! I keep on feeling that course, kinky hair
inbetween the straight ones! Also, my head itches and where previously I would
scratch with one finger under the clip, now I have all my hands free to
scratch and (sigh) to feel, and to touch and to do all things I shouldn't!
Well, I knew I had to stop, but I just couldn't. It has been 3 weeks now and
I've been thinking. Ha! You always tell people not to touch your hair, but
you have forgotten how difficult that is. I knew I had to find a solution, a
behavioural method to stop touching, and I tried... I really did. I played
with silly putty in the car, but at work it was a problem. I can't keep the
silly putty in my hands, because I need both hands to work on the PC, and then
it is so easy, just for a second or two, to take my hands off the keybord and
just quickly put it in my hair. Well, you know, once it's there, it is
extremely hard to resist those course, kinky hair!
I realized now that during the weeks I've been asking the Lord to help me
(well, continually, every time I struggled). I said: Lord, I know I need to
keep my hands out of my hair, but I just don't seem to be able to do it. I
need to stop... I know I'm getting on dangerous ground here. I haven't
actually pulled, but in desperation I have broken off a few day, to prevent
myself from pulling. But I could see it getting worse and worse and not being
able to control it.
Well, yesterday in the car, I had a really bad episode. There was this one
hair, it was just like the best of the best! I broke it off, and put it on a
white paper while I was driving,. When I stopped at the shops, I played and
played with it, I 'drooled' over it (smile), abt how lovely it was etc.
Eventually I went into the shop, but when I got back, I couldn't wait to get
back to my special hair. Sigh... it is only a trichster that can feel like
that over 1 hair! And I guess that was when it really got to me. Why should
1 hair be able to make my day? Why should 1 hair have the ability to give me
such a thrill? It is a hair!! Why should it be like that?
I felt really bad.... and I fantasized about more of those hair. And of course
that made me feel even worse. I got back to work and asked a few friends to
pray for me, because it felt as if the trich monster were really busy taking
over! I was sad, angry, frustrated.... all those feelings. Well, my good
friend Robin phoned me all the way from the USA (so special) and made me
cry... because it meant so much to me. Then at home I cried when my mom asked
me how I was (she could see something was wrong), I cried when I spoke to
Louis... and all over I was just emotionally drained.
Anyway, today I feel so much better, had no real urges to touch my hair.
Praise God. I went to my mom at lunchtime, and while I was there (and in the
car), I found my hands going to my head, to just push it through my hair. (not
with the idea of pulling)... just to push it out of my face. It was then that
I realized that God had answered my prayer! Every time I started pushing my
hands through my hair, I stopped abruptly and took it away. I am SO scared to
have an episode like yesterday again, that the fear is now keeping me from
touching my hair! Isn't that what I've been asking for? For some way to stop
touching my hair? Well, I believe God allowed that 'crisis' so that I could
be plucked back (no pun intended) to reality... NO TOUCHING! You know,
sometimes we pray and we don't realize that God will actually give us what we
ask! It just doesn't always happen the way we want it or expected it to
happen. Well, praise God.... He helped me to stop touching!!! Thank you, thank