Why can I stop in front of others, but not other times?

This was written by Mike Grant - a wonderful trich parent who also runs the parents online support group (see page 3 of this site)

A mother asked:
<< If my daughter can stop when I walk into the room - it seems to me that she can stop when she wants to!!>>

Mike's answer:
You are certainly not alone in that regard. Many parents wonder the same thing. It comes down to the observation I have made many times on this remailer which is a nonpuller, no matter how well intentioned, cannot understand the experience of someone with ttm. We try to interpret the actions of others through our own experiences, which often create a chasm of misunderstanding between the puller and the significant others in their lives.

I am a parent of a daughter with ttm. I also work with other families who have children that pull. For those families I meet with in person, I have an understanding exercise which I call my $50 Challenge
which works as follows.

With the family together, I make an offer to any member of the family, which the exception of the child with ttm, to pay them $50 cash for just a few minutes of their time to do a very simple task. First,
they have to qualify by showing me they can hold their breath for 30 seconds. I want to be fair, breathing it wouldn't be fair to offer my challenge to someone who was not capable of controlling their
breathing which the task required. After a sibling or parent demonstrates to me they have the ability to hold their breath, all I ask them to do for $50 is hold their breath for 3 minutes. That works
out to $1000 an hour for their time. Even Charlie Mansueto doesn't get paid that much! The task is very simple and only requires some effort for a few minutes, right? However, oddly enough, no one is
able to meet my challenge. I've even up the ante to $100, but with no more success.

So what's the point? Well, each challenger showed they had the ability to hold their breath, which was what the goal required. So why couldn't they win the $50? The answer is breathing is only
voluntary to a point. Just about anyone can hold their breath for some period of time. With increasing amounts of effort not to give into the body's urge to breath and willingless to tolerate an ever
increasing level of discomfort, the longer someone can hold their breath. So, yes, willpower is involved to some extent. However, eventually, willpower ceases to be enough to overcome the urge to breath and the challenger gives in no matter how much they want the $50.

The point of the exercise is to try to help the nonpulling parent or sibling understand the puller's experience. Just like they can hold their breath for a period of time, the puller can oftentimes abstain
from pulling in certain situation or for some period of time as well.  That does not however mean they naturally have the ability to control their pulling on an indefinite basis anymore than a person can control
their breathing on an indefinite basis. True, each will effort, can be forestalled, but not indefinitely no matter how much the individual wishes to do so.

Does this mean it is impossible for the child to control their pulling? Certainly not, anymore than it is impossible for someone to hold their breath for the required 3 minutes. What is does say is thats it take more than willpower alone and requires a skill that most people naturally have that can be learned. With training and practice, a person can learn to hold their breath for 3 minutes, and sometimes even much longer. Good examples of this are yogi's and Polynesian pearl divers. Can everyone learn to hold their breath for 3 minutes? The answer is no, but there are certainly a number of people who can with practice and training. So what about the rest?  Well, although they perhaps cannot reach the 3 minute goal, the same practice and training can help them significantly improved their ability. For examply, perhaps instead of only being able to hold their breath for 45 seconds, they can hold their breath for a minute
and half or two minutes. The same is true for ttm. Can everyone expect to be pull free if they make the effort to train and practice?  Some will be able to met this goal, even those who don't can expect
some improvement, even sometimes very signifcant gains, while not quite being pull-free.

This learning exercise is part of the my efforts to build a bridge of understanding between those who pull and the significant others in their lives who do not. Most of my efforts to date have dealt with
families with children who pull because that is where my own experience lies, but I see no reason why it would not work for others.

Take care.

Mike