A lesson I had to learn

We started having problems with our electricity suddenly.  The electricity would just trip at night when we were asleep, setting off the alarm every time.  This happened a few times a night.  We also had (have) problems with a cat coming into our house, screaming in our corridors.  This cat wouldn't leave before Louis didn't throw it with something.  We really had a few rough nights.  We didn't know what was going on, because the electricity problem was intermitant - neither the electricity repair man, nor us could find where the problem lay.  After a few nights of these interruptions, we were really tired and desperate.  We were seriously looking for reasons for this problem.  After a few nights,  Louis were praying, asking God to reveal to us if there was maybe something demonic in our house that we aren't aware of (books etc) or things in our lives that are wrong that He wants to bring under our attention. It caused ME to look
for answers about my own life.  I am not good at all at doing introspection - it is like sometimes I don't even know what is going on in my own life, so when I look for answers (and sin), then I just hit a blank.  I guess God knows by now that He has to basically hit me over the head before I can see what He is trying to say to me.

Through a friend of mine, (and then Louis - that evening), God told men what the problem was. (sigh). Louis said the words and it struck deep in my heart. I knew that
God was actually the one saying it. Louis said" I think your emphasis with the trich work has
shifted. In the beginning you were doing it out of thankfulness towards the Lord for
healing you. Now you are doing it because God healed you, because you were so good!
(ouch!).   But it was  true, unfortunately.  The devil told me that I am really special... I
mean wow, I was on the radio, in the newspaper (3x), going to be in a major magazine etc.
Wow, I have to be special, isn't it?

The devil is clever.... I knew I had to be careful
for a long time. It is difficult. Every single day I get at least one e-mail of a new
person discovering my site. They all tell me I'm Godsend, how wonderful I am, how
brave I am etc. Some others write to me  telling me how great I am etc.
I am aware of the dangers of e-mail..... it is easy to show only your nice side -it is
easy to read your note again and make it sound better, it is easy to calm down before
you write, so you really show them only the best side of you. I was aware of that, and
I really tried to ignore it - the compliments etc... seeing it in the right light -
knowing that they see only one side of me. I think I was still reasonably
successful in not letting that get to me. See, I could still remember how I felt when I
discovered the BB, and although I didn't get attached to a certain person, the BB as a
whole became incredibly important to me. Now I just fill that role for some people.
Now there is a name behind the information - Amanda, and people think I'm great, while
I'm just an instrument, giving them information.

But then the magazine article and the radio story happened, and I wasn't prepared for
that. The devil got hold of me through that. I'm not a person who is a performer - I
hate all the attention on me. But suddenly I felt like a celebrity. I felt special...
not in the Lord... but in worldly attention. I liked it telling my mom all the latest
news, and seeing that she was proud of me. (I guess in a way my mom was the big
influence/problem ). Somehow I never felt that I got enough attention from her... although she
was always at everything I did (netball, choir etc) - she really did her best. But she was a working mom,
and I am the eldest with 3 more sisters after me. Everyone needed attention, and I
guess because I didn't give her much trouble, I was the strong one who didn't need that
much attention. (oh, I did give her trouble with my hair - sigh). But I wasn't one
that really needed her attention that much - I was ok lying in my room, reading (and
pulling!). So suddenly, after the article stories etc... I felt important and it meant
so much to me that my mother was proud of me and actually told other people what I was
doing. It was such a nice feeling..... and I guess I wanted more.. I liked it when
every day she would ask me if more people phoned, or if I could tell her what the NEXT
thing was that I was going to do etc. It became a vicious circle. I liked it, but
needed to do more and more to get that same attention going. So Louis was right......
my emphasis moved - from thankfulness, to being proud of what **I** was achieving.

Strange, I did realize something in this time... I would tell my mom some great news, and for a moment it was nice.... she responded, was proud etc.  The next moment I had a very empty feeling.... and to get the 'high' feeling again, I had to do something more, to make my mom proud of me again.  So I went to the next trich project.   All this happened while I wasn't really aware of it and the vicious circle that I was in.  As I said before, I'm not very much in touch with my feelings and emotions, so all this happened on a very unconscious level.

I'm thankful that God showed me what was happening. I am ashamed of it, but I know God
still loves me and I have asked Him for forgiveness. May He give me the strength to
fight it in future. Praise His name!