What the Lord said to me
When I discovered that I actually had a disorder, I went through an interesting spiritual phase. The Lord has never spoken so directly and so persistently to me, as during that time.
One of the first ones were this, and it made a very big impact on my life. He says in Acts 11:9 - ... do not call anything impure that God has made clean. You know, it just made me realise - Jesus has cleansed me with His blood on the cross, he calls me clean and pure. And NOBODY may call me impure, or judge me, or think less of me because of TTM. But the most important realisation for me was that the Lord basically FORBIDS ME to call myself impure, unclean, or to hate myself. It helped me so much. Every time I pulled, I started hating myself again, and then I remembered - I may NOT hate myself! Jesus loves me JUST AS I AM, with all my imperfections. He LOVES ME (with or without TTM!)
I kept on getting messages of deliverance - day after day after day, and I truly trusted the Lord and believed He was on His way to heal me. I will quote the verses here for you.
Sa 43:1 - But now, this is what the Lord says - He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you: I have summoned you by name, you are mine. (promise to heal me)
ISa 43:18,19 - Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I'm doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. (the healing is on the way - don't look at what happened in the past - how many times you have tried. Don't give up, I am going to come and heal you.)
ISa 45:9 - Woe to Him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, "What are you making?" (this was after a particularly serious "Why me?" session)
ISa 44:25 - I am the Lord........ who foils the signs of false prophets, and makes fools of diviners, who overthrows the learning of the wise and turns it into nonsense. (this was after I was in despair, after not reading anywhere about people ever being healed, especially not medical and other professionals)
ISa 46:12,13 - Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted, you who are far from righteousness. I am bringing my righteousness near, it is not far away; and my salvation will not be delayed. I will grant salvation to Zion, my splendour to Israel. (This verse was confirmed to me by a friend, a few days later)
ISa 48:20 - Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it. Send it out to the ends of the earth; say,"The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob. (I wrote in my Bible - what are you saying to me Lord? Please tell me! I knew that the Lord said that He would heal me, and I must tell it to the 'ends of the earth'. At that stage I didn't even have a PC at home, so I couldn't see how I could proclaim it 'world-wide'. More important, at that stage I was definitely not healed - I was still having bad urges. So what did I have to proclaim? Could I believe the Lord's promises of healing?)
ISa 50/7-9 - Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame. He who vindicates me is near. Who will then bring charges against me? Let us face each other! Who is my accuser? Let him confront me! It is the Sovereign Lord who helps me. Who is he that will condemn me? (I was going through a phase where I was angry at all the people who has mocked, accused and condemned me). The Lord said that I will not be disgraced anymore - He was right! Praise His name!)
ISa 51:5 - My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way........ (I was saying: when Lord, I'm waiting?)
ISa 51:8 - ......But my righteousness will last for ever, my salvation through all generations. (Oh, this was so difficult. I was crying so much, because of the fear that my one child specifically would have 'inherited' this disorder from me. But the Lord said: No, the healing that I bring, will be complete, and for you and your children. Oh, I praise His name for that one!)
Sa 48:10 - See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. (and I could see that the Lord knew what I was going through, He knew how extremely difficult my life with trich has been.)
These verses were so wonderful for me, and I was really trusting the Lord, just waiting for the day when 'POOF", all the urges and the whole TTM thing would just have disappeared. I was really waiting and trusting the Lord for the deliverance He has promised me.
Then Friday, 28 September 1996 arrived - 6 weeks after I discovered the BB and that I had a disorder called Trichotillomania. At that stage my pulling was reduced dramatically, and was pulling something like 3 hairs in 2 weeks. It was sheer willpower that stopped me, but also the fact that the BB was there, and that I was busy working through all the hidden feelings and emotions of the past. All in all I was very excited (although I was crying permanently!), and I was just waiting for the 'deliverance' to take place. On that Friday, I was in a course at work, and the urges were absolutely terrible. I didn't hear one word of what was said in the course. All I could see and think of, was hair and especially of huge fat roots! I sat in that course praying: " Lord, PLEASE just take it away - make me concentrate on the course, take my thoughts away. Lord, PLEASE HELP ME!" I even e-mailed a friend during the course, asking him to pray for me. It was one of the worst episodes that I ever had. I didn't actually pull (I couldn't, with all the people around me), but having all those urges and thoughts, totally devastated me. The course stopped at 13h00 and we had a prayer meeting at lunchtime. The Lord was good to me - Louis was working temporarily in the office right next to the office where the prayer meeting was. When I got there, I was already crying (at work!). My 2 other wonderful friends also arrived, but I was totally broken down. They tried to calm me, but I couldn't stop crying. In the end, I had to go home. This was only the 2nd time in my working career that this happened (the other time was during my divorce one day) I can tell you, I was down and out - my whole world collapsed. I arrived home and my mom was shocked - she wasn't used to anything like this (me going home from work). Oh, I was SO angry at the Lord. I cannot tell you how much. I said: "Lord, I trusted you, I proclaimed your 'so-called healing' - I told others about it. But I really, really trusted you. Lord, I was waiting for your promise, and now you do THIS to me! How could you?" I was shocked in the Lord - I felt He let me down completely. In fact, I said: "If this is the Lord I'm serving, I'm not interested anymore. This isn't a loving God - a loving God wouldn't give His children such clear promises, even confirm it by other people, and then 'just for the sake of it', have such urges come over the person. No real God would do this." I then consciously decided NOT to follow the Lord Jesus as my Lord and Saviour anymore. To understand how serious this was, you have to know that I grew up in a Christian home, and did all the right things (attended church, helped at all church functions etc). But I didn't know Jesus, and definitely didn't have a 'relationship' with Him. During my divorce, I came to the realisation that I couldn't go on, and knew that I needed God in my life. (This is another long story which I will post one day). Anyway, I accepted the Lord Jesus as my personal Saviour, asked Him in my life, and my life changed dramatically. Maybe not so much on the outside at first, but definitely on the inside. Before that day, I just existed. After that I started LIVING! I would never have come through my divorce without the Lord at my side. So I was really living for the Lord and was very, very excited about Him. In fact, a lot of people wasn't very pleased with the new Amanda - I was to 'fanatical' to their taste. What I'm trying to get at, is this. I wasn't just merely a church goer - I was really serving the Lord, and He was leading me and helping me as a reality in my life. Renouncing Him like that, was a major step for me.
Anyway, so I was at home, totally devastated. I was so desperate that I said to Louis - I'm going to try the John Kender diet. A week before I said to him: "I would rather pull out all my hair than go on the diet. There is no ways that I could live without chocolates, sweets and condensed milk". Well, I have been on the diet ever since, and my life changed dramatically. No more urges (while I'm not eating 'bad foods'.). See 'my story' for further details on that.
It took me at least 3 weeks before I started talking to the Lord again. My faith really took a blow, but slowly but surely I started seeing the Lord's logic. I was reading on the BB about the diet, and He wanted me on the diet. He knew it was the solution for me, but I was bull-headed and refused to even try it. He had to really bring me to a point where I would be desperate enough that I would be willing to try anything.
It took me a long time still to be able to read Isis again. I would read it and say: Yeah, yeah, I've heard that before. Today I can read it and marvel at how the Lord actually 'healed' me. Not the way I thought it would be, but in a much, much better way. Click here to read more on this
Today, looking back - I can just praise and thank the Lord for the road He has walked with me. He is bringing people on my way that I can help, because I've been through the fire, I know how it feels. And I know, however dark it may look, the Lord is there for me and you. His ways doesn't always make sense to us, but He knows better than any one of us - He is almighty and all-knowing. He changed my life completely. I never ever want to be without my Lord again.