Relations between trichsters and their siblings

The child who pulls oftentimes require special attention from the parents. When siblings are involved, special attention of any kind, no  matter how warranted, can lead to resentment both toward the puller and his or her pulling. As a parent of an only child, I personally have never had to deal with this issue although it frequently comes up with other parents.  However, having grown up with two older brothers, I am no stranger to sibling  rivalry.

Borrowing from my own experience and my wife's pediatric nursing background, I have proposed an approach to dealing with this kind of family conflict. A newborn requires a considerable amount of care upon coming  home and is oftentimes the center of the parents' attention. Older siblings may come to resent the attention giving to the baby who may become the focus of that resentment. A very effective technique to overcome this is a two-fold approach.

First, the special needs of the baby is carefully explained to the siblings so as to help them understand why the special attention is needed. It is explained to the older siblings that when they required special care, such as when they were sick or injured, it was provided to them and still would be if the need arose. The emphasis being placed on the attention is because of the special need, not because of some favored affection.

The second concept is probably the most profound and important. The siblings are asked to become actively involved in the baby's care. This reinforces, by way of personal observation, the special needs of the baby  and the responsibility of meeting those needs. It replaces the older sibling's feeling of rejection, with the parents' trust to help care for the infant. The sibling takes responsibility for his or her part of the child's care  which facilitates bonding, rather than alienation. The sibling is rewarded in a variety of ways for his or her caring for the baby. In families where that   I personally know where this technique has been used, the bonding and protectiveness between siblings has been remarkable. More over, having observed these children who are now the age of young adults, the bond  remains strong though their lives, even through the pressures of adolescence.

So how does this apply to the child who pulls? Well, certainly the child who pulls has special needs. The parents of a family where one of  the children pulls and the others do not should consider creative and  innovative ways of involving the siblings as well as themselves with the child's ttm.  A good parent never focuses on pulling or not pulling, but rather on the *process* of recovery from ttm. Assuring the process of recovery is the lost effective way a parent has to facilitate the greatest possible gains for
their child who pulls. The process of recovery has several elements. Just as  the parent needs to foster these elements of recovery, any involvement of the puller's siblings should be along the same lines, that is encouraging and rewarding efforts, rather than simply results. Otherwise, a parent may inadvertently be recruiting siblings as hair police officers undermining  the objective of building trust and promoting bonding between the puller and  his or her siblings.

Some examples of sibling involvement would be to assure the child who pulls always has hand toys available or provides scalp massage, Hugs, or whatever strategy is being used to assist the child with his or her  pulling. This is where a carefully designed and incentive program for both the  puller
and the siblings might be advantageous. For example, if overtime the  parent observes the child and the sibling together there is a hand toy present,  the sibling gets a trip to the mall or a movie. Note I said present, not necessarily being used. The sibling is only accountable for the hand toy being present, not making the puller use it. That's controlling and not an appropriate role for the sibling. That's were another separate incentive  for the puller is needed. That incentive may be points are earned towards a reward for overtime the parent sees the child using a hand toy. The decision for using or not using the hand toy remains with the child which help  foster a sense of duty and responsibility which is influence by a reward system  while not directly enforcing control on the child. This approach encourages internal self-control rather than external control exerted by a parent  which is far more effective and fosters the child's confidence and self-worth.  Another example of sibling involvement and incentives might be the scalp
massage which seems to be effective for some pullers. The sibling or  siblings are given the required instruction and may earn some additional allowance,  a dollar or two perhaps, for each scalp massage they administer. In this way, instead of the pulling sibling becoming an object of their resentment, the
pulling sibling's special needs becomes a way for his or her other siblings  to earn extra consideration they would not have otherwise gotten. This is an example of what I mean by turning negative feelings into positive ones  rather than simply trying to eliminate them which rarely, if ever works. More oftentimes than not, a parent's efforts to eliminate the negative emotions  of one sibling towards another only eliminates the expression of those  emotions rather the emotions themselves. These negative feelings are merely  suppressed and allowed to ferment and fester until they re-immerge with fortified intensity in other areas, particularly during times of stress and other seemingly unrelated conflicts.

Critique and comment is, as always, welcome and encouraged.

Mike