Diary Entries

becoming Pull free (month 7)

FEB. 9, 2002

DAY 181!

FEB. 10
Day 182

FEB. 11
Day 183

FEB. 12

I really do need to make that appointment to get a massage.
Unfortunately, the report card deadline is sooner than I thought it
would be and so I have to concentrate on this. Day 184

FEB. 13
Day 185

FEB. 14
I am definitely starting to notice that my hair is looking better. It
has gone from being curly to being wavy. An improvement! Day 186
Happy Valentine's Day.

FEB. 15
WOW! It has been a while since I have written about what has kept me
going. It was Amanda's idea. The website. Amanda's website was one of
teh first things that I stumbled across on the Internet when I was
reading up about trich. I have already mentioned how much Amanda has
helped me. Her website is an imspiraton to remain pull free. I want
people to be able to tune in to "Betty's Story" and see a person who
succeeded. NOT someone who slipped. I know that I was inspired when I
read success stories and so I decided that I want to be a success story
too. DAY 187

Feb. 16
Day 188

Feb. 17
Day 189

Feb. 18
Way too much marking to do - plus I am dealing with a flood tht took
place in my kitchen so I am getting my floor redone. No time to write.
Day 190

FEB. 19
Oh my God! Day 200 is right around the corner. Day 191

Feb. 20
Day 192

Feb. 21
Day 193! Time to write about something else that has helped. In one
word: FEAR. As I write this I am holding the picture taken of me on
that day in summer - where you could plainly see me bald patch. It is a
reminder like this that gives me the wake up call I need and scares me
into being pull free.

Feb. 22
I have now started my THIRD journaling book. Although, I have to admit,
Some of the first one been started in one of my previous attempts to be
pull free. Anyway - this is Day 194!

Feb. 23
Day 195

Feb. 24
Day 196! I have been so busy with reports etc that those headaches have
come back. Clearly they are linked to stress.

Feb. 25
Day 197 Doctor's appointment today to get all checked out. I mentioned
the headaches and she seemed to think it was no big deal.

Feb. 26
Day 198. With all the marking I have still in front of me, I haven't
even really stopped to think that day 200 is coming up!

Feb. 27
Day 199

Feb. 28
Oh my God! Day 200. Can you believe it? I am going back to see if I
made a mistake with the daily count but I think I am correct. I should
probably write about another thing that helped me get to this point.
Hair appointments. Seeing as my friend ended up not being able to check
up on me from time to time, hair appointments provided a good "check in"
point for me. I look forward to this time so that I can get a sort of
"progress" report. Also now that my hairdresser knows that I have been
losing my hair due to "playing with it", the minute she sees it thinning
again she will know what is up. I could not tell her some story about
how it just "fell out". It is as if I know that Ican't get away with it
anymore because someone will find me out. This, in itself, makes me NOT
pull.

March. 1
Day 201. A funny thing happened today. I was talking to the principal
about my class this year and how they are WAY better than my class of
last year. He said, "Oh I know - last year the class was so tough you
were losing your hair over it." I had to smile.

March. 2
Day 202

March. 3
Uh oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd better watch - some major urges. Still OK,
though - Day 203

March. 4
Still urges. OK I am going to take Amanda's advice and start looking
into my diet. Maybe there really is a link between what I am eating and
my urges to pull. Day 204

March. 5
Day 205

MAR. 6

Day 206. Reports are done. Now I am just trying to stay on top of third
term marking.

MAR. 7

Day 207! I think another thing that helped me get to where I am is
putting rewards system in place and setting goals. Sometimes my rewards
have to be small so that I can afford to keep up the system. Goals, I
think work a lot better. I am now almost at 7 months. When I hit day
210 the seven month mark is where I will be. Blocking time off on a
calendar helps me get through. I'm so worried I am going to start to
slip again, though. Please, please, please I can't slip.

MAR. 8

Day before March Break and pull free still. Day 208. I am down and out,
though. We had this special assembly at our school and the newspaper
was there taking pictures. As it turns out, I got into one of the pics.
I am in the background and not in very clear view, but, still an old
friend of mine emailed me right away to say what a lousy shot it was and
wanted to know if I really did gain all that weight. I have always been
so self conscious about my looks. I know I am not a good looking person
and she just made me feel awful about myself. I wanted to cry. Trich
can make you feel so bad. I felt soooooo ugly after reading that email.

March 9

Day 209. I am now on another mission. I want to lose about 8 pounds. I
just think that I have to start eating better (more fruits and veggies
and less chocolate bars and Pepsi). Don't anyone worry. I am not
planning to starve myself or anything like that. I just think I have to
start working on leading a healthier lifestyle. I want to start rowing
on my rowing machine again and getting to bed at a better hour as well.
As for my hair: It was a rainy and windy day today and my hair looked
awful. All told though, I think it really does look better. I have a
small dilemma. My hairdresser has now moved further away and it will be
harder for me to get to her place. I don't drive so it will be a
busride away. I am thinking of changing hairdressers but am worried that
if I do this, I might find an excuse to start pulling again. After all,
a new hairdresser would not know that I used to pull and I could come up
with all the same excuses for the state of my hair. I think I just
answered my own question. I cannot change hairdresser. It is hard to
believe that after all this time I have to do everything in my power to
keep from pulling. Trich is still with me. I have to remember that.
Pull free or not. It is still a part of me and I MUST remain pull free.

Mar. 10

Bad winter weather and a touch and go flight home but I made it. I made
it in more way than one. Day 210 marks the end of 7 full months being
pull free.