Diary Entries

becoming Pull free (month 6)

Jan. 15
Yesterday, a kid came up to me in the playground and said, "You are
getting white hair." I immediately told her that this was not an
appropriate comment to make. In the past, when a kid would comment on
my hair it was often in relation to my bald/thinning patches. As a
result, I remember being absolutely mortified and angry. This time I
noticed a distinct difference in my reaction. Yes, I did tell the kid
that the comment was not polite. I did that because I feel that a kid
has to be told the difference between appropriate and inappropriate
comments. However, I wasn't angry or mortified. For once the comment
that was made had nothing to do with my pulling. I felt normal. It was a
comment that I would not have been embarrassed about had another staff
member overheard. Progress???? Day 154

Jan. 16, 2002
Day 155
I go for another hair appt soon (Jan. 26). It is about time because my
roots are growing in white. I was looking at teh "white roots" today
and, once again, marveled at the progress I made. I think I already
tlaked about a time when I would never get "white roots". Because I
pulled out the whole strand - the whole thing would grow back in gray.
But today I realized just how much damage I had caused before. I
thought it odd thta before I never noticed ANY gray roots. It occured
to me that htis is becasue I must have literally pulled out the whole
strip of hair where it was parted. WOW. I really have come a long way.

Jan. 17
Another pull free day. This makes it day 156 I think my hair is
starting to look better but it tends to mess up quickly.

Jan. 18
Day 157

Jan. 19
Day 158

Jan. 20
Day 160 Nice round number. Got my second bathroom painted today. Now
they are both done. I got all my marking done too. I am trying to keep
the stress down. Getting work done instead of letting it pile up helps.

Jan. 21
Yesterday, my friend and I were talking on the phone. She reminded me of
the fact that I should STOP COMPLAINING about my hair because it was
finally all grown in. I thought about what she said and I even took it
one step further. I DO have to stop complaining. I DO have to start
being more grateful for every day that goes by - pf. It occured to me
that although my "full blown" trich started when I was in teacher's
college, about a year or 2 prior to that, I had a very short lived
experience of it. It lasted about a month and I was able to stop very
easily because i had had such a short lived experience of it. Strange
but true it came back to haunt me 2 years later - only this time for
real. All this to say, that if I am still pf, I should be happy because
Lord knows I'm not "safe" yet. Day 161

Jan. 22
Day 162

Jan. 23
Day 163

Jan. 24
Well, I am at 5.5 months today. (164 days)
I would like to try to reflect, over the next few days, on what sorts of
things worked for me. This will probably be a good exercise in keeping
me in tune with my trich. I guess the first thing that helped me get
here was my friend. I know, I know, she didn't exactly follow through on
her plans to "check up" on me once a month, but she lives quite far; and
now that I have stopped pulling there isn't really too much to check up
on.
I have to thank my friend because she is the first person I opened up to
about this. I gave her a played down version of what I did, but I told
her. She is the one who came back to me later on and said that there
was actually a name for what I did. It was through her that I got the
key word "trichotillomania" so that I could start my research which has
not ended to this day. It certainly isn't a talked about thing and I
don't know if I would have ever discovered the name on my own. Telling
my friend opened my eyes to what I had, the fact that I wanted to stop
and where I could get help. So for all you reading this: whether or not
you tell someone, is up to you. There is no rule here. I have found,
much to my amazement, that opening up helped me out a lot.
January 25

165 days
Still pull free and happy. Today I had a miserable day at work.
Knowing that I am still pf and that tomorrow I will be off for yet
another hair appointment is a pick me up. Yesterday, I talked about my
friend who helped get me here. Today, I think I need to mention the fact
that had it not been for the Internet and me getting a computer, I might
still be pulling. I remember when my friend told me about
trichotillomania. I went the local library to look it up. I think I must
have been lucky if I found one paragraph one book. The internet allowed
me to search for all sorts of things (and there were lots) in the
privacy of my own home. I remember typing in "hair loss resulting from
hair pulling" (by the time I got my computer I had forgotten the word
"trichotillomania". I remember when I came across the sites (including
Amanda's). I couldn't believe it. I never knew so many people did what
I did. Reading the articles and seeing pics and stories inspired me to
stop pulling. So, if you are a puller, make good use of all the trich
sites and on line resources there are out there. They are a great help.

Jan. 26
Day 166! Appointment day. My hair looks really good and my hairdresser
said that the texture is improving. She mentioned that I still have
some short hairs coming in underneath longer hairs and this is what is
making my hair not "sit well" on my head. It looks great today. I hope
I can style it well tomorrow.


January, 27
Day 167! I want to keep adding to my list of "things that have helped"
as a way of continuing to focus on the positive in my recovery, but I
am sick. I have a very slight fever, a sore throat and I feel really
tired. I had all sorts of marking to do this weekend but didn't get to
any of it because I am just so sick feeling. I think I need to rest up
and sleep this thing off so that I can return to work tomorrow well
rested.

Jan. 28
Day 168.......and onto yet another thing that has helped me get this
far. Posting on the Internet. Once I read through a lot of the
information there was on line, I was able to round up the courage to
post to some of the bulletin boards. This was incredible. I had kept
this deep dark secret for so long and now I could finally share it with
people. No one would judge me or think it was weird. People wuld
respond. We'd share ideas or tips, swap stories etc. Suddenly it was as
if I had all of these friends - all these people I didn't even know and
yet knew a part of me very well. I could even start emailing some of
them about my rough day at work. The best was when I could start
helping people too. So, if you are thinking about contacting someone,
go for it - no one has to know who you are and it will help you a lot.

Jan. 29

day 169

Jan. 30

A ton of marking to do. I was looking over some of my journal entries.
I counted DAY 105 twice by mistake. This means that I am actually one
day further ahead then I thought I was. In case, I did not manage to
get this fixed on the website, consider this the explanation as to why I
skipping DAY 170 and moving right on to DAY 171 pull free! If this was
corrected on the site, you knew I was at day 171 all along.

Jan. 31

Someone looked at me today and commented on my hair. She began by
saying, "What is it that you are doing with your hair?" I thought she
was going to tell me it was curly. Instead, she said, "It's so thick!"
Yippeee!!! Someone noticed!! Day 172.

Feb. 1 , 2002

Day 173 - snow day - school cancelled due to freezing rain.
Getting back to yesterday, it was so great to see that someone noticed. I was kind of
wondering when someone would mention that my hair was no longer showing bald patches. I
figured that a lot of people might have already noticed but just didn't know quite how to
word it politely to me. After all, it is a touchy subject. It was sort of funny how this
person approached the subject. She was obviously dying to know what the problem was with my
hair before. She asked me if I was unable to have long hair. As if, growing my hair past my
chin or something made it fall out. I didn't tell her what the hair loss was due to. I just
kind of avoided the question and said that my hair looked thicker because of the new hair cut
I had. I was thrilled!! Progress!

Feb. 2, 2002

I think I need to take this time to talk about yet another thing that
helped me get to this point. It is actually not a "thing" but a "she".
Amanda. Amanda has been incredible. She has taken it upon herself to
see that I am pull free........ and has invested an incredible amount of
time in the process. When you think that Amanda and I never knew each
other before I came across this site, it is hard to believe the amount
of time she takes to help a "stranger" (although I have to say that we
have become "friends" through this whole thing which is also neat). She
is the one who checks up on me, offers me encouragement and has gone
through exactly what I have gone through and so can relate. She is the
one who's story inspired me to become pf. It was a success story and I
needed to see one of those. I needed to hear that other people could do
it so that I could feel I could as well. She is the one who decided to
post my stuff on her website which is no "small job". It takes up a lot
of her time. I think that everyone needs someone to check in with and
she is that someone. She is busy - but takes the time for me. The
amount of time she takes for me goes over and above what I would expect
of anyone. I am touched to see what she would do for me. It is hard to
believe that on Feb. 8, I am finished 6 months pull free. Much of that
is thanks to Amanda. Day 174

Feb. 3, 2002

Day 175!!!!

FEB. 5
Day 177

FEB. 6
Day 178

FEB. 7

Day 179! Tomorrow is the big day. Marking the end of my sixth month. I
must call to make my massage appointment tomorrow. I doubt I'll get it
right away, but at least the appointment would be made. If I had to
think of another thing that assisted me getting to this point, it would
have to be keeping a journal. Writing each night in that journal sort of
focuses me. It causes me to think constantly about trich. I've noticed
in the past that when I haven't journaled in a while, I started pulling
again. The "trick" (no pun intended) to journaling is to try to keep it
up each night. Sometimes, my entry is really short and only indicates
what day I am on. Other times, though, I make it a point to make the
time to write something worthwhile. this makes me really stop and think
about my progress. Reading the entries aloud helps too. The great
thing about journaling is that I needn't rely on someone to help me.
This is a step I can take all by myself. It is good to have something in
place that I can do on my own. Outside help might not always be
available and so it is good to be able to do some things independently.

FEB. 8, 2002

Day 180!! Month 6 now complete!! I am officially at 1/2 a year.
WOW!!!!!
Just finished watching the opening ceremonies of the 2002 Winter
Olympics in Salt Lake City. Great show!!