Diary Entries

becoming Pull free (month 5)

Dec. 19,
Day 127

Dec. 20,
I spent a little more time blow drying my hair today and that seems to
have improved the overall look of it (a little, at least). Day 128!

Dec. 21
Well this is it, I believe that this is the day I pegged as my "record
setting" day. It is now day 129 pull free and I think this is the
longest I've ever gone pull free. I MIGHT be wrong on this one. I think
what I should do now is reward myself and set a new goal. I am heading
on the plane tomorrow to go home. When I get back after Christmas, I
think I will book a scalp massage in honour of all my hard work. It was
something that I always wanted but something that I was always afraid to
do because of the bald pathes. My new goal is simple - another month.
The scary thing is with all that the "habit" part of it has died down,
in the past couple of days I have caught my hands going to my head in
anxious/stressful moments. So I am NOT out of the woods. Jan 21 is my
new goal.

Dec. 22
I have taken this journal home with me but I am sort of writing it
hoping that no one finds out. I'll sign off quietly. Day 130.

Dec. 23
A neat thing happened. My sister said that she brought a real good blow
dryer home and wants to try to style my hair to straighten it. Its funny
- Now that my hair is improving so much I don't feel embarrassed to have
my sister do it. It would be interesting to see if she can straighten
it. If she can, this proves that my hair can and will be straight one
day. It is all in the blow drying. Day 131

Dec. 24, 2001
Christmas Eve - I am sitting here in bed watching the midnight mass from
St. Peter's in Rome. My sister did my hair with the blow dryer today.
She claims that she uses a "professional salon" blow dryer so my hair
would really straighter out. I had no idea what a "professional salon"
blow dryer was but I will admit that I was actually quite happy because
this proves that my hair is workable. There was a time when it wasn't.
Even my hairdresser could only do so much with it. The frustrating
thing is that it is difficult for ME to get the look right. When my mom
saw what my sister had done, she said that my hair looked so much better
than when I style it. She said that when I style it, I look about 80
years old. It was wonderful that my sister had done a good job with my
hair and I admit that it looks much better than when I style it, but I
was so discouraged to hear the "80 year old" part. Unfortunately 99
percent of the time, I'll be styling it so I guess 99 percent of the
time I am going to look like an 80 year old. I guess I have to cheer
myself up in two ways. First, the very fact that I had someone else
anyone near my scalp shows how my hair is improving. Secondly, although
mom's words might have not been the best chosen, she has a point; my
hair does look much better when someone styles it. Tomorrow I am going
to try this famous "professional blow dryer". It has a diffuser and my
sister claims that this makes all the difference. We'll see how it
looks tomorrow. Day 132

Dec. 25, 2001
I couldn't find my sister's blow dryer but I used mine on low to see if
it controlled the hair more. It seemed to help a bit. Day 133

Dec. 26, 2001
So-so looking hair. Day 034

Dec. 27, 2001
It is hard to believe that I am at Day 135 yet still I struggle with
trich. Still I am not happy with the texture and waviness of my hair.
I also noticed some major urges today. YIKES!! Still!! One good thing
happened today (hair-wise that is). My brother in law walked in to a
room just after I had washed my hair and saw it wet. Normally I would
be all self conscientious that someone would notice "my scalp". This is
the first time in a long time when I was totally not even thinking about
it.

Dec. 28
Playing with hair and almost pulled. Can you believe it? Thank goodness
I stopped myself. Day 136

Dec. 19
Day 137

Dec. 30
Back home now from holidays. Day 138

Dec. 31
Day 139!!
New Year's Eve. I think this is the first New Year's Eve in I don't know
how many years when I don't have to make a resolution not to pull at my
hair. I feel as if I am no my way to recovery. Wouldn't it be nice if
next year at this time I am not only pull free - but also happy with the
way my hair looks. I think I have to take this time to regroup.
Despite my despair about constant bad hair days, I have a newly found
confidence about myself. This is a huge step.

Jan. 1, 2002
140 days pf!! Happy new year!

Jan 2, 2002
141 days pf. I had a dream last night that I pulled a hair out. Can you
believe it? 141 days pull free and trich is still haunting me in my
sleep.

Jan 3, 2002
142 days
Hey my hair actually really looked good today. I have learned a trick
(pardon the pun); put the blow dryer on low, use a diffuser and really
take my time. Also, on the days when I actually shampoo my hair, instead
of just wet it, it turns out nicer.

Jan 4, 2002
Not so good today. Something bad is happening. I am still pull free but
lately the urges have been getting really bad. I have caught myself
with my hands in my hair just dying to pull one out. I have had to
actually say out loud, "STOP!" Then, I have to remind myself of how far
I've come, how much damage I can do, and how many people are going to
read about this on the website and are going to want to see that I am
still pull free. I must keep this all in mind. I cannot start pulling
my hair out again. Day 143

Jan 5, 2002
Day 144. I called my friend today to give her an update. She reminded
me that "bad hair" was better than no hair. I also painted the bathroom
today and thought of another way I can reward myself. Obviously, I am
going through a bad time. I have to rethink things. Instead of rewarding
myself with a massage I think I need to work on rewarding myself more
frequently (so, with smaller rewards). I have this wicker basket in my
bathroom filled with products to take baths, bubble baths etc. (I love
to take these). I figure that a neat idea would be to add a "bath
product" (small_ to this basket often each week that I remain pf. The
basket would then serve as a visual reminder of how far I have come.
This might help me get through this rough spot.

Jan 6, 2002
Made it through another day. Day 145

Jan. 7, 2002
First day back at work - day 146. Hey - I just realized - I actually
made it through a whole school term pull free.

Jan. 8, 2002
My hair still looks awful. I do have to admit, though, it might look
awful but in the past couple of days I have been very aware of the
fullness that is developing.
Day 147

Jan. 9, 2002
Day 148 - Still looking lousy BUT the shorter hairs are growing in, and
it is getting fuller.

Jan. 10, 2002
Day 149

A stressful day and so a near pull. I stopped myself, thank goodness.
These things still make me want to pull:
1. Stress (bad day at work, worrying about a "tough parent/teacher
interview that is coming up)
2. An urge to want to bite the root.
3. Feeling a kinky hair (often brought on by use of products such as
hair sprays)
4. Being idle (I want to pull way more at home than I do at work)
5. A moment of panic (suddenly am looking all over for my wallet/keys)

It is hard to believe that I have been pull free for so long and yet
still the "triggers" exist.

Jan. 11, 2002
Day 150

Jan. 12, 2002
Still wanting to pull. You know what? I don't even want to reward
myself this week. I am 151 days pull free but I am still getting
pulling urges and my hair still looks a mess. Very depressed.

Jan. 13, 2002
152 days. Still pull free but another urge. What's the matter with me?

Jan. 14
Day 153
I got an email from Amanda today and she is absolutely right. I need to
focus in on the reasons why I don't want to pull. I don't want the
bald spots. I don't want to start explaining why I suddenly lost hair
again. I don't want to go back to being afraid of hairdressing
appointments or going home because "my parents will see". What I do want
to see happen is for me to control the stress I am obviously under. I
am going to try to avoid people who get on my nerves, do a better job at
time management, exercise more and eat better. I am still pull free. I
have to keep reminding myself of that accomplishment. A year ago today,
I never would have thought that I would see a day when I would be 153
days (5 months!!) pull free.