Diary Entries

becoming Pull free (month 3)

Oct. 14th, 2001
62 days pf!! An urge today out of the blue - while reading entries in
this journal - very strange.

Oct 15, 2001
63 days pull free!! I am noticing that I am not growing in as much grey
hair. I don't know if it is because not too much time has passed since
my last colouring job at the hairdresser or if it is because I am not
pulling.

Oct. 16, 2001
Another urge today - very weird but still pull free - 64 days. I have to
keep telling myself - one hair pulled is one too many. On the other
hand, I think it is very important that I don't psych myself out. I
don't want to have it where if I DO slip, I am so depressed I start
pulling even more. Anyway, still pull free and looking forward to the
hair appt. on Saturday.

Oct. 17, 2001
pf 65 days. Another urge today.

Oct. 18, 2001
Another major urge today while I was in the classroom and not under any
real stress. I think that I might have figured it out. My hair looks
like hell. I have tried hair bands and no hair bands. It is just in
major need of evening off now that it has grown in in areas. No matter
what I do with it, by the end of the day it looks like I just woke up
with major bed head. This is getting me so down. I hate my hair. I
hate the way I feel as if all my incentive is gone and I want to pull. I
have to hold on until October 20 - my hair appointment. That is when,
hopefully I will be able to be put back on track and start feeling all
right about my self again. Anyway, I am still pull free and today marks
my 66 day. I think I will go wet my hair and put a towel around it.
This helps me out and I want to remain pull free. There is not a lot of
time before Oct. 20 and I want to remain pf.

Oct. 19
You know what I have been finding lately? I have been really stressed
out. I have been mad at the world. People have just been getting on my
nerves lately and I don't know why. I am wondering if this goes hand in
hand with the pulling urges I have had lately. Anyway, tomorrow is hair
appointment day. I am SO looking forward to getting my hair evened off.
Today is day 67!

Oct. 20, 2001
Sometime back in mid August, I was horrified. I looked at a picture
taken of me in June at my niece's birthday. At the back of my head you
could see this huge bald spot. I was so humiliated I wanted to cry. I
actually went so far as to take the picture and keep it with my
journal. Every now and then I look at it to remind me of just how far I
have come and just how much damage I can do. I told one of my friend's
about my trich and told her how upset I was to see the pic. She was
great. She said that she would help me out. Every week she calls in to
make sure I have "been good" and every now and then she has promised to
make a visit to actually see my head so that she can truly see if I have
been cheating or not. Having this third person to check in on me is just
what I need. Maybe the next time she comes, I will have her check my
hair for the uneveness and kinkiness. Maybe she will be able to better
comment on any improvements in the way it all looks now that it is
growing in. Tomorrow is my hairdresser appointment. I can't wait. I
hope she can do something with this mess. Today is day 67 pf!!

Oct. 21, 2001
Day 69 pf!! As usual my hair doesn't look as good the day after my
appointment. I am obviously not as good as my hairdresser is at
blending the hair. On the up side, my hair cooperated better today than
it has in a long time. I would write more but I have this bad headache
again.

Oct. 22, 2001
Still struggling with uneven hair. Discouraging. Day 70

Oct. 23, 2001
Day 71 pf!!!

Oct 24, 2001
I really do want to write more but I must get to bed. Therefore, I will
just say I am at day 72 pf. Tomorrow I will give more of an update.

Oct. 25, 2001
Way too late for "the update" Day 73 pf!!

Oct. 26, 2001
I have to get to bed. I am still monitoring these headaches. Day 74 pf!

Oct. 27, 2001
Pull free day 75

Oct. 28, 2001
Day 76!!!

Oct. 29, 2001
Pull free day 77!!

Oct. 30, 2001
The headaches seem to be getting better. pf day 78!!

Oct. 31, 2001
I need a pick me up in a big way. The day I got back from the hair
dresser I was so happy with my hair. Then, it seemed that the next day
it all had that "needs to be blended" look again. I tell myself I have
come a long way but oh I long for an even haircut again. Day 79 pf!!

Nov. 1, 2001
Wow - already November. Day 80 pf!!

Nov. 2, 2001
Workload is piling up!! Report cards are looming ahead - stressed but
still pf - 81 days!

Nov. 3, 2001
My hair looks really shaggy still but I think it is looking better than
it did at this time last month and I know it looks better than it did at
this time 2 months again. I really have to focus on what has improved.
The problem that I am having is that the big improvement already
happened. I once had scalp showing and now I don't.
The next improvement I want to see is perfectly even hair and this is
taking forever. I think I have to set another "improvement goal" for
myself - one that I'll actually reach sooner so that I don't get so
frustrated. Day 82 pf!!

Nov 4, 2001
I am writing this with wet hair. I feel better about my hair when it is
wet. You don't notice teh "shagginess" as much. The more I see
"shagginess" the less motivated I am not to pull. I still don't know
what the solution is. Anyway, pf day 83. Maybe I should reward myself
when I get to day 100.

Nov. 5, 2001
I think I hit the nail on the head when I said that I need to set
another improvement indicator goal. I definitely reached a plateau. When
I had the bald patch on my head, each week would bring a little more
growth and so a little more coverage. Now that the "coverage" has
happened. The rest of the improvement is more gradual and I am getting
restless. Right now, this is the main problem with my hair. Where I
used to pull, all new hair is growing in. In some cases, I have patches
of hair that is just about an inch long. So these hairs end somewhere
in the middle of my head. This sort of creates a "ridge' on my head.
Now picture a whole bunch of ridges all over. As the hair grows, these
"ridges" move further and further down and will eventually be cut off.
It is this very thing that is taking for ever to happen. Ahhhhh!!! Oh
well, day 84 pull free.

November 6, 2001
I am not pulling but I fear that I am heading into a slump. Day 85!

Nov. 7, 2001
Day 86!!

November 8, 2001
I have put some goals in place. On Day 100 I will put in a call to
purchase a piece of artwork I have been wanting to buy. I have the
money in the bank now but I am going to hold off buying the thing to
motivate me out of this slump. Day 87!

Nov. 9, 2001
Headache now for 2 days. It think it is stress related. I started
thinking about how much work I have to do on report cards and I think
that set it off. Also, yesterday the temperature dropped drastically. I
was speaking to someone at work who suffers headaches and she said a
scalp massage is good. At first I thought, "Oh, no, I would be too
embarrassed to show my scalp. But then I remembered, "Hey, I have no
more bald patch - there is nothing to be embarrassed about! My scalp is
no longer all showing!!!" An improvement I hadn't thought of before -
I can now get a scalp massage!! Tee hee!! Day 88!

Nov. 10, 2001
Still headaches and I am stressed over it. I am trying to pace myself
with report card work so I am not doing everything at once. I have this
feeling inside of me as if I am ready to burst into tears at any moment.
Tried to exercise to see if that would help. It didn't. Called someone
"just to talk". That seemed to relieve the headaches a bit.
Interestingly enough, with all the stress I have been going through - I
have yet to pull. Day 89!

Nov. 11, 2001
Day 90!! But, remember, I am not celebrating until the 100th day (3
digits and all). My next goal after that is Dec. 21. I have done some
recalculations and this would mark the day that would mark my new record
in "pull freeness".

Nov. 12, 2001
Minor headache still. It got much better yesterday. Do you know what I
have noticed today? I put my hand flat down on top of my head at the
front. I am not noticing nearly as much stray hairs sticking up. I am
blending!! Goodie!! Day 91!