Diary Entries

becoming Pull free (month 2)

Sept 12, 2001
The hair is looking better, I guess. Still this hair cut is easily messed up. Important thing - day 31 pf!

Sept 13, 2001
32 days pf! I think the hair is starting to cooperate more.

Sept. 14, 2001
33 days pf!!

Sept 15, 2001
34 days pf!! I checked to see how long I have gone in the past without pulling. One time, when I attempted to stop, I stopped for about 3 months. Another time, I stopped for about 50 days. I guess 3 months pull free is my new goal.

Sept. 16, 2001
Day 35 pf!!  I am happy to be at day 35 pf, but I realize that I am now at that dangerous time. My hair has grown in and this is when it becomes very easy for me to say, "Oh, just one little hair won't hurt". I have to keep reminding myself how far I have come. October 20 is my next hair appointment. I must try to get to that date without pulling a single hair. Wouldn't it be nice if before Christmas, I can actually put hi-lites in my hair because finally the short hairs have all come in. I really have to keep on top of this thing now. I need to keep it at the front of my mind at all times. I have tried before and started pulling again. I have to make sure that I don't slip this time.

Sept. 17, 2001
pf 36 days!!

Sept. 18, 2001
pf 37 days

Sept. 19, 2001
pf 38 days

Sept. 20, 2001
OK, I've got to get back on track. If I let this journal slide, trich will not be front and foremost in my mind and I might slip. I MUST keep this up daily. I am now 39 days pf!!! A month from today is my next hair appointment. I am hoping that it will be long enough for highlights.
 

Sept. 21,2001
39 days pf!! But my hair really looks bad. Picture day at school is on Sept. 28th and all staff MUST get a picture for their I.D. tags. I hope it looks better then.

Sept. 22, 2001
I feel so awful I felt like crying today. I was looking forward to seeing the video of my sister's wedding. It was the day after I got my new short hair cut. I was so happy. It was growing in - I thought it looked good. Well, I looked awful. The video showed me with this real sort of uneven hair cut. Uneven because of all the short curly hairs. Now I am really fearing the wedding pictures coming in. I look terrible. I am at day 40 pull free today, but don't feel much like celebrating.

Sept. 23, 2001

Checking in before I get to work on a ton of marking. I talked to my sister this morning on the phone and told her that I was upset at how awful I looked at Fran's wedding. She doesn't really notice how bad my hair looks. Maybe I am being too critical. She DID notice that my hair looked wavy due to the shortness in places but her attitude was this wavy hair phase would soon pass. Maybe I should just start accepting it as being part of the recovery. I had NO hair and now have SHORT hair. To help me cheer up, I actually made up a list of the indicators of how far I have come.

1. I once had a bald/thinning patch at the back of my head that is now gone.

2. I no longer have to wear a hair band to hide a bare patch that used to be at the front.

3. Back in July, I was afraid to go swimming at the cottage and wet my hair because scalp would show. Also, I had to start dying my hair a much lighter more unnatural colour because it hid the patchy scalp areas better. Now, I can wet my head an my scalp looks fully covered with hair. My hair dresser suggested that perhaps next apppointment I could go back to the darker more natural colour that looks better on me.

4. It is now getting long enough that I can start to consider things like hi-lites, clips, and I can expect more from my hairdresser had performed a miracle if she could do anything with my hair.

5. I am no longer afraid of visiting my parents because they would notice my thinning hair.

6. I can actually start to look forward to hair appointments again. 

7. I no longer have to worry about sitting with my "bad side" to a wall so no one would see.

8. I now can clean my place without finding hair absolutely everywhere.


I guess things are moving along and I just have to be patient. Anyway day 41 pf!!

Sept. 24, 2001
Tired - 2 meetings today and a rough day, but I am now at 42 days pf!!!!

Sept. 25, 2001
I have gone back to wearing the head band again just for a short time to hide all the short hairs on the top of my head. Day 43 pf!!!

Sept. 26, 2001
Day 44 pf!!

Sept 27, 2001

Day 45 pf!!!

Sept. 28. 2001

Picture day at school. I wore the hair band to hide all the uneveness happening at the top. I think it might have turned out OK but I'll find out soon enough. Major stress going on at work but still pf. Now at day 46!!!
 

Sept. 30, 2001
Entering early - I have quite a bit of marking etc. to do. Hair still needs to be fussed over quite a bit in order to look decent.

October 1, 2001
Day 49 pf!! Around this day last time I tried to stop, I "fell off the wagon". I have to stay on.


October 2, 2001
Tired - lots of marking - but I am proud to say I have reached Day 50 pf!!!!  I still have to think of the new "treat" for myself. I will let you know when I think of it. BUT I HAVE REACHED IT.......50 DAYS!!!!!!


Oct. 4, 2001
I saw some pictures of the wedding. One was OK - one was terrible so I cut myself out of it (I can do this as it was my picture from my own collection). When will I be happy with how I look?? Day 52 pf!

Oct. 5, 2001
 Rainy day - headed into Toronto tonight to go home. Terrible weather and ride but still day 53 pf!!!

Oct. 6, 2001
Arrived home for Thanksgiving. pf 54!!

Oct. 7. 2001
pf 55 days!!!

Oct. 8, 2001
Mom told me that blow drying and wetting my hair every day is not good for hair growth. It killed me because my hair is all grown in but she still is obviously obsessed with what I went through. In fairness to mom, however, I don't think she is aware of the fact that I was pulling my hair out until a short time ago. I think she associates my hair loss to a scalp problem I suffered as a result of trich. In this case, she is really just offering what she thinks is helpful advice. I must not take it all so personally I guess. Day 56 pf!!!


Oct. 9, 2001
Day 57 pf!!

Oct. 10, 2001
My hair is starting to look bad again. I guess it has just grown in in an awkward way. Oh well, day 58 pull free!! Get this - I am actually looking forward to my hair appointment on the 20th.

October 11, 2001

Just got back from Meet The Teacher. Hard to believe that tomorrow I am on Day 60!! Today marks day 59 pf!

Oct 12, 2001
60 days - 2 months pull free!! I guess before I start celebrating too much, I must remind myself that twice before I had gone for a long time being pull free only to "fall off the wagon". That's the thing with trich. You are never really "home free". I think it is safe for me to say that I have accomplised something getting to this point. First of all, I think that now more than ever have been able to really see my pulling cycle. It is normally a scare that gets me to stop pulling. For example, I see a picture of me with a huge bald patch at the back of my head an feel completely humiliated. I stop. I am really good at first. I journal. I read up on trich etc. I even told a friend and have her "check up on me" from time to time. This normally keeps trich in the front of my mind and I become so much more aware of the pulling. But then, I almost always have gotten too comfortable. Suddenly I have abandonned my journal writing etc. and so I slip and start pulling a few hairs out. This leads to pulling a ton
out until I have a noticeable bare patch on the back of my head and get one of those "scares". The cycle starts up all over again. Now that I know my pulling cycle I can more easily manage trich. In conjuntion with a better understanding of trich, I have also developed a better sense of control. I feel better because of it. I realize that stopping is difficult but not impossible. If I really want to stop I can. Each day I must remind myself that it takes so long to grow in but not as long to pull out.  My next goal is to put a plan in place in case I DO have a slip. If I don't do this I am possibly setting myself up for failure. I don't want
that. I have no idea what this plan will be but I need one. Anway, enough said. I am extremely happy with my progress. Day 60 pf!!!