Diary Entries

becoming Pull free

August 13, 2001
Found my old journal and am determined to stop this thing. Today I have officially completed Day One pf. - some urges but no pulling. With school starting soon, I don't want the stress to get me going again. I am aiming for one week pull free to start with. I am also aiming to figure out what has gotten me to be pf. in the past and what it was that got me pulling again. This wil help me figure out what I should do to
stop pulling.

August 14, 2001
12:50 - urge but did not pull. I think I might have been too idle at the time. Being idle obviously does not help. - Rest of the day went well! Day 2 pf!!!!! My computer was acting up today and while trying to figure out how to fix it I went to pull but stopped myself. Stress of one kind or another clearly has a role in
pulling. Hair doing OK but still thinner in areas and curly on top. Five days to go 'til my "one week anniversary".

August 15, 2001
Day 3 pull free!!! Very few urges today.Examined my scalp today with wet hair. It still looks pretty bad but at least pink scalp isn't showing - just major thinning hair. I looked through an old photo album trying to figure out when the last photo of me was taken with normal hair. I consider this sort of stuff necessary
therapy for me. I have to keep reminding myself that at one time I had such a great short hair cut. I used to get compliments all the time. This journal is helping . Not every entry will be this long but now the
more I write, the more I am aware of pulling...and my goal not to pull.

One of the things that started me to be pull free in the past was getting a good scare. I remember how years ago I first found outh the damage my pulling had cause when a kid pointed out a bald spot on my head. It was at the back, in the crown and I couldn't see it. I remember arriving home from work convinced that this kid was lying and holding a mirror up to take a look at the back of my head. I think I started crying when I stared at a bald patch about an inch and a half in diameter. I stopped pulling. I was so horrified with the damage I had caused the horror, itself, made me stop pulling. This is why I looked at my wet hair. It enabled me to really look at the scalp and come face to face with the damage I can do. I know this sounds like I am punishing myself, but in some warped way this really works. It serves as a reminder that it takes months to grow back but only one night to cause damage.

August 17, 2001
Day 5 pull free!!! Can't write for too long because I have a major eye     irritation in my right eye (I get a lot of these) and it is tearing non-stop. Anyway, I am happy just the same.

August 19, 2001
 I have done it!!! Today marks day seven pull free so I get to treat myself to that Rosemary/Mint Shampoo that I wanted. I still have to snag that picture of me taken at my niece's birthday. It will definitely help keep me focused as to why I need to remain pull free. Almost pulled today - not under stress and not idle. There is clearly a tendency for me to pull without even being aware of what I am doing sometimes. Thank goodness I caught myself before I actually pulled.

Here is my journal for August 20th, 2001
 8 days pull free!!! I went out and bought the shampoo. My next reward is to get the pillow for the bedroom windowseat redone. I have been looking forward to this and so at 14 days pull free will plan on getting it done. My friend called today to record stuff in her journal and offer encouragement.
 

August 21, 2001
I can't wait for my hair to grow in evenly. Can't complain, though - I am now 9 days pull free.

August 21, 2001
Pull free 10 days. I am now up in the double digits!! Bad pain on right side so can't write for too long. An urge today - but didn't pull!!

August 23, 2001
Pull free 11 days. Feeling sick though off to bed early.

August 24, 2001
12 days pf!!!! Spoke to my friend today on the phone - hope that we can get together before school starts for a "hair check in". I am a little concerned that these "hair check ins" won't be as often as I had hoped. I guess that a few check ins are better than no check ins at all.

August 25, 2001
 Down and out in a big way. I am trying to accomplish so many things prior to heading back to work and upset because I feel I haven't accomplished anything. I AM on Day 13 pf, at least.

August 26, 2001
Short but sweet - Day 14!!!! I reached my next goal so I can reward myself. My pillow for the bedroom window seat will get refinished!!!!

August 27, 2001
I went into my classroom to set up for the new year today and two other teachers commented on how my hair looked good. I was happy, although I still sort of think it looks like I am having a "bad hair decade". Anyway, I am now at Day 15. My new goal is set for Sept. 9, my sister's wedding. I want to have it so that my hair looks good then - well- at least better. I am hoping that my hair dresser will say that it has grown in a lot. This is about two weeks away. I hope I succeed. 

Aug 28, 2001
 Pull free - Day 16 Late - gotta go!!!


Aug 29, 2001
Thoroughly disgusted with how my hair looks. The short stuff at top is really noticeable because of the longer hair that is getting even longer. I need to get my hairdresser to blend my hair. Today, I was so close to pulling it was scary. I attribute it not to the stress of getting back to work, but to the way I feel when I start to get discouraged when I see my lousy hair. I have absolutely no incentive to "be good" when I constantly have bad hair days. Anyway, at least I can say I was close to pulling but didn't and got to Day 17 pull free!!!

Aug. 30, 2001
Doing the funky chicken with school starting. I must try to remain pull free. Wore a hair band today to help hide the short hairs so I wouldn't pull at them. Managed to be pull free for Day 18.

August 31, 2001
Still pf!! Day 19 - hair still looks awful. Oh, I snagged that photo taken of my back in June - the one where I have that bald spot. I am going to keep it safely away somewhere so that I can use it to remind myself the importance of not pulling out my hair.


September 1, 2001
No pulling so I am at Day 20!! Talked on the phone with someone today about the shower of my sister. A comment was made about how my hair should be shorter. The comment sort of hurt because this person is always making comments about my hair and telling me ways I should improve it - too short - too long etc. If only other people knew what I was going through and how self conscious I am of it. The thing that really annoyed me is I had just gotten my hair cut the day before and was really proud of how it looked. This picture was nothing like the one that I snagged yesterday. I guess I have to keep reminding myself of the fact that I notice improvement because I stopped pulling but other people still see the bad hair.

Sept. 2, 2001
Checking in a little earlier than normal as I have a lot to do because it is my last night of summer vacation. Called my friend and she said that she might come by tomorrow to look at my hair and compare it to the picture taken of me at my niece's birthday party - the one where you could see a bald sort of area in the back. Maybe this is the cheer up visit I need. I am certain it would have improved since then but to hear those words from someone else sure would be nice. I told my friend how depressed I was and she tried to cheer me up. I just want my hair to look better. I am now at 21 days pull free. Hey, that is a 3 week anniversary. I guess I should be proud about that. 

September 3, 2001
My friend came by today and took a good look at my hair. I was so embarrassed but, guess what??? When she compared it to the picture taken at my niece's birthday in June she said there was no comparison to be made. According to her, my hair has all grown in at the back. Her next visit will be a way of checking up to see if I am pulling again. So, yipee!!!! Day 22 pull free and feeling good!!! I must really watch the stress situation once teaching starts up again tomorrow.

Sept 4, 2001
First day back and I am absolutely exhausted. It is time for a bath, a book and bed. Anyway day 23 pull free!!

Sept. 5, 2001
Someone commented on how nice my "curly hair" was. I wanted to kick them as I am so self conscious of the curliness. Nonetheless, I made it to Day 24.

Sept. 6, 2001
Day 25 pf! Yea!!!


Sept 7, 2001
Tomorrow I am off to get my hair cut and I'm hoping my hairdresser will say that it is looking better and less moth eaten like. I am also hoping she''ll be able to blend many of my short hairs better. Day 26 f!!!

Sept. 8, 2001
I am thrilled - my hair appt. went well - she gave me a much shorter cut. She said that my hair was the best she has ever seen it. Now I can start setting a whole bunch of new goals. She said that now that there isn't all that scalp showing, I can go back to a slightly darker, more natural colour (the lighter colour didn't let the scalp show through as much), Then, once, the hairs start growing longer - we can talk hi-lites. I set a hair appt up imediately for Oct. 20. It is knowing that this is coming up AND that my hairdresser has seen the hair having gotten better that will make me not pul. After all, if I started pulling again - my hairdresser would know and none of the stuff I want to do to my hair could get done.   I managed to finish Day 27 pf!!

As promised, I thought I would give you an update on some of the things I have put in place to help me with the stress that seems to be a pulling trigger for me. First off, this year I have decided to try to get back to walking home from work each night. It is about a 45 minute walk and I always felt good about myself when I got it in. I guess I just felt healthier. Last year, between my broken arm and the teacher's strike, I found myself stuggling just to keep my head above water. This year, I am already noticing how I feel better about how I look and more importantly, I feel better about being me. I know this sounds really corny but it is true. The other thing I want to try to do is to get back to rowing on my rowing machine. Now, if I really get my act together, I can row in the mornings before work (fat chance). So, I am ready to go with after work or on weekends as long as I get about three rows in a week. I also want to try to eat dinner earlier on in the evening and eat out less often. This has nothing to do with stress, I realize, but it does have to do with a healthier lifestyle. As far as work is concerned, this always causes a big part of my stress. I am working hard at trying to keep on top of the marking. If I let it pile up, I get into a situation of having 12 hours of marking in front of me and this just causes stress. I also am trying to leave the school a little earlier so that I can start my evening a little earlier and I can start my ME TIME a little earlier. I also am trying to get a
better system of marking. I spoke to some teachers who say that it is not necessary to mark every little thing the students do. Sometimes, I think I am making work for myself. Sometimes people can really get to me. Therefore, as selfish as this
might sound, I am making a concerted effort to stay away from people who make me feel lousy about myself. I have also changed church. This sounds strange, but I had stopped going to church for the longest time because I found my church lacking in a feeling of community. I talked about this to someone one day and they suggested that I go to their church. It was great. The priest is interesting to listen to and the parish really cares. I missed going to church and I am glad that I have this back in my life. Finally, I am putting aside a little time each night for me. I read, take baths, watch TV, write in my journal, go for walks - anything that is not work related and is just something that I want to do. Part of what has helped me do this is getting back from work earlier and trying to keep on top of my marking. If, for example, I come home from work on a weekend, leave my marking pile up, and then attempt to do it all on Sunday, major stress sets in before too long. If, on the other hand, I
sat down Saturday morning, did a little chunk, then, later tackled some more, the task is not so overwhelming and come Sunday night I can get in some of that "me time" without feeling guilty about what I still have to do.

Sept. 9, 2001
Wedding day. It took 2 attempts to get my hair OK. I actually had to rewet it and blow it dry again. It looked OK for the wedding but I think this hair cut is going to be hard to maintain. Day 28 pf!!!

Sept 10, 2001
 Bad hair day. Humid weather made it curl, wave, flatten etc. It looked    a mess. No one at school (well hardly anybody) commented on it. When I got home I almost started to cry it looked so bad. I hope it gets better. I think it's just the short hairs that are acting up. Anyway, Day 29 pf!!!!


Sept 10, 2001,
Day 30 pf Today was a sad day. There was an attack on the Pentagon and the WTC in New York City. I guess nothing else should matter today.