My Story

Where does one start to tell the story of your life?  Well, let's just start and see how it goes, ok?

I grew up in a happy home as the eldest of 4 daughters. Although I felt at times that I needed more attention, it wasn't really a big deal.  I was never molested, neither did anything traumatic happen to me when I was young. 

Had very long hair, and had it cut for the first time when I was 11.  It felt very strange on top, and voila, I started pulling out the 'strange' hair.  Since then I have always felt for for the coarse, thick, curly hair and pulled it out.

I felt like a freak my whole life through.  I thought I was crazy, had a twisted mind, had no self-control or self-discipline.  I felt that I had a dark side within me that no-one knew about.  I felt like a 'defective human being'.   I hated myself every moment of the day, every day of the year, for 21 long years.  

In 1992 my marriage was on the rocks, and my pulling became very bad.  We went for counselling (to no avail), and in one of the sessions (alone), I told the therapist about my hair.  It was one of the most difficult things I ever did in my life.  I cried for 45 minutes before I could tell her why I was there.  I just couldn't say;  I pull out my hair.  At that stage I saw an article in a magazine about trich and asked the therapist (with so much hope), if that could be what was wrong with me.  After consultations with the other therapists, she told me that they all came to the conclusion that I did not have trich, that it was only because of the divorce and stress in my life that I was so doing it.  So I had a 'knowledgeable, professional person' tell me that in essence it was all my own fault.

Through sheer determination (and a bet with my sister), I stopped pulling from my head after that.(in 1992)  It was great - for the first time in 17 years, I could cut my hair any way I wanted to.

So on the outside everything looked wonderful - I even got lots of compliments for my hair from people who knew nothing about my hairpulling history.   One would have thought that it would have made me happy......... after all - I had no more curious looks,, strange comments, talk behind my back etc.  I felt good about my appearance..................  BUT I still hated myself for who I believed I really was deep inside.  I had a deep, dark secret that no-one knew about.  My secret was this:  I stop pulling from my head, but substituted that hair pulling for hair 'below my chin'.  No hair was safe - underarms, legs, pubic.  I was so ashamed, and yet, I couldn't stop doing it.  Being divorced, nobody could see the damage that I did to myself.  As a reborn Christian, though, I had a hard time living with myself, because of this lie I was living.

Then 4 years later, I 'met' my husband.  He was my first boyfriend, and we were together for 5 years before we broke up and got married (and divorced) to other people.  We were talking about marriage, and here I was with my secret, and not knowing what to do about it.

Then 18 August 1996, one of the biggest days of my life arrived.   I searched on the internet for the word hair pulling.  I discovered then that I DID have the disorder (according to the DSO-IV criteria, but also by reading the Fairlight BB).  I could see immediately that I felt and did exactly the same things as everyone on the BB.  I just started crying and I didn't stop crying for months!

It was in a way the darkest and most emotional time of my life.   Not even the divorce came near to it.  21 Years of hidden emotions and hurts and pain came streaming out.  My husband (then fiancée) was great!  He just listened and listened and listened and kept on supporting me and loving me regardless of what I told him about myself.  My whole life I kept this secret because of the fear of people finding out and then rejecting me.  In the end this never happened.   Everybody whom I told (through many tears initially), was incredibly understanding and supportive.  NOBODY has rejected me - everyone has just been wonderful.

Following is the first letter I wrote to the Fairlight BB.

Hi everyone                                                                                                                                                                           Well, it is now almost 2 weeks since I discovered this BB. I'm am currently going through probably the most emotional time of my life, because of you people. (stick with me, it was a positive remark!). After 21 years of hiding and secrecy, reading all your stories and feelings, suddenly, I was freed from all those terrible feelings of all these years. Feelings which I felt that I was not 'allowed' to have, because I've been doing these things to myself - mutilating myself, so how could I complain? I have never allowed myself to cry (or even feel) much - I just hid all those feelings - even from myself. And suddenly - I could feel and cry and cry and cry. But it is so wonderful now to be able to cry - to cry about all those hurts and loneliness etc. I've been telling people about this thing (monster) and, incredibly (especially to me), have even shared details which I thought I would never ever admit to ANYONE. It has just been wonderful to realise that even the smallest detail of things that I have been doing, is being done by so many other people. It has been going really well since I discovered this board - the last 3 days has even been pull-free, although it hasn't been easy. When I get the urge, I just think of all of you, probably going through the same thing at the same time, and it really helps me. I think what helps most is the fact that the vicious circle is being broken. You know: pulling, hating yourself, thinking you're ugly, terrible etc. and as no-one would like you anyway, that you might as well just go on. And then it just starts all over again. Now, realising that I don't need to feel like that, that I am still ok even though I do it, and that it isn't my fault, really helps. I really feel that the Lord has led me to this BB - I just want to  praise Him for it! Praying for all of you (us)                                                                                                                                         Amanda

During this time I really believed I was being delivered from this disorder.  The Lord gave my many such promises during this time.  6 Weeks later, though, I really had a terrible 'crash'.  I was in a course at work, and I didn't hear a thing!  I kept on seeing huge roots and the urges was terrible.  I was totally devastated.  I believed so much that the Lord was going to heal me and take away the disorder from me.  I was incredibly angry at the Lord for allowing this to happen to me.

Up to this stage, I read about the JK diet on the BB, but I never even considered it.  In fact, I told my husband that I would rather pull out all my hair than go on the diet.  I am a complete sugar junkie, and couldn't see myself being without chocolates and sweets and condensed milk (my favourite) for even one day!   Well, after the 'crash' I was so desperate that I was willing to do absolutely anything to get rid of the urges.  I decided to give the diet a try, however difficult and impossible it seemed at that time.  Well, my life changed dramatically!!!  The urges diminished within a day or two!  I have never looked back since!  I found being on the diet extremely difficult, physically, but also emotionally.  I was very angry and upset and often asked:  Why me?  I felt very sorry for myself.  But the Lord has been good to me and he brought me through those very difficult times.

I started the diet on the 29th of September 1997 - and has been on it ever since.  I am basically pull-free, and 99% of the time I am urge free, which I find much, much more rewarding than being pull-free.

The more emotional healing that has taken place, the more I have reached out and told people about my disorder.  The strange thing is that at least 80% of people that I have told, knows someone who does the same thing.  And all these years I thought I was the only person in the world doing and thinking of such things.

Today I am still a TTM sufferer, but I am emotionally healed from the years and years of damage that was caused by TTM.  I am extremely happy, and am at peace with myself and God.  I praise the Lord for the road he has walked with me.  

Today, every day is still a day of choices.  Choices about eating the bad foods or not, and choices about pulling or not.  Even though I don't have urges, the need is always there to pull and I   am the only one that can make the choice to pull or not to pull.  Thankfully, through the diet, I can control the pulling through self-control.  I thank the Lord for knowing better that I did.   I asked him to take away the disorder.  He did not, but he gave me emotional healing, which is much, much more important.   Thank you Lord!