Am I serving the Lord correctly?
The reason I have this section here, is because of a question that I keep struggling with. I have a Christian sister whom I admire a lot - a woman who really serve the Lord and I have much to learn from her. We are not totally in agreement about what trich is, yet, we know that God has given us both trich minstries and we agree that God works differently in people.
Yet..... sigh... I keep on probably comparing myself to her, and questioning the ministry that the Lord has given me. Her ministry is to bring freedom from trich purely by submitting to God and giving it to God. The command that the Lord gave me, on the other hand, is to 'proclaim the healing that He has given me, to the ends of the earth'. (see the whole story elsewhere on this site).
Even though I know that it is God who gave me this ministry and I can see Him opening doors in miraculous ways, I keep on falling into the same trap every now and then;.... comparing myself to my sister, thinking that my ministry isn't as 'godly' as it should be. Hers are so much more directly connected to God than mine. Through my ministry, I believe now that I inform people abt trich, and hopefully give them love and support and serve them in the process. Then sometimes I do get the chance to minister Jesus to them.... and I almost always get the chance to testify and proclaim God's healing and love.
What I'm sharing below, is a few weeks of struggling with the Lord and myself... on my role, my ministry, and the way I'm handling what the Lord has given me to do. I even doubted that I heard correctly. Am I not just telling abt trich because I want to do good... and it isn't really a ministry from God?
Well, following is a few letters that I wrote to that Christian sister of mine, as well as to another sister whom I used as a soundboard and who always encouraged and supported me. (these letters were written over a period of time)
May the Lord use it to bring glory to His name. i
__________________________________________________________________________________
Dear YYYYY
I value your opinion a lot, and after your letter, I thought much
abt it again and asked the Lord to help me in knowing the truth (for me) in this. I got
scared that in the 'work' that I'm doing in telling people abt trich, and like doing this
magazine article shortly (in the Klerksdorp Record) etc...
what if I'm wrong, what if trich is purely sin, and I'm telling everyone that it is a
physical thing (mostly), and I'm wrong.. and I deceive people in the process? Will I look
back in 5 year's time and have to be sorry for what I did, because I told people across
the world, and those here in SA, a lot of lies? Are the enemy using me to tell people the
wrong things? And please, I'm just picking your brain here.. I'm NOT opposing what you're
saying ok? But you know, then I started thinking of this little girl whose parents I saw
yesterday. She is 4 - started pulling at 2. Does she know anything abt chosing hair above
God, or sinning against God? Also, if it is sin, how come almost everyone of our heads
itch so much? Why doesn't it hurt for us to pull? I dunno... you spoke abt getting release
from the pulling.. I can't remember even experiencing that. I can't remember feeling
better after a pull, or less stressed or things like that. I can't remember pulling
instead of going to God. I do know though of so many times where I have pulled while I was
so extremely happy, and satisfied with my life and not having any problems ... and that
the urges became overwhelming (after eating bad foods). I dunno.. maybe my experiences
are/were just different. You know how xxxxx said that her pulling was actually a fight
against God, standing up against Him etc. and that the Lord had to break her down so that
she would be obedient to Him and follow Him? I have never experienced my pulling in that
way at all. maybe I just had different experiences. I know that you and I do agree to
disagree on this (smile). I also believe that God has a 'job' for me to do, which is
different than the 'job' that He has for you to do. I just don't want to look back in a
few years time at articles that i have done etc., and then have to see that I have
deceived people and drawn them away from God, instead of TO him. On the other hand, I also
know that sometimes God needs to first bring healing from pain, before we can actually
'do' the right spiritual thing. I know with my divorce it was like that. God left me for
18 months, just healing hurts and showing me he loves me and building me up, before He
started expecting me to forgive my ex-husband. You know, to me that is the love and
patience and the perfect plan that God has for us... He doesn't work with us as the world
would expect - according to a specific pattern.. He has a personalized plan for each of
us. I think for me that is one of the most wonderful things of God.. He understands us,
and knows our hearts and our situation, and works with us according to that which no man
can see. Praise His name!
________________________
I can just thank the Lord for speaking to us. I've been thinking
and praying much abt my question.... Am I deceiving people in telling them abt trich, the
diet, the physical aspect of it etc.... and not just saying it is sin and one should just
give it to God and 'fight' the flesh etc. Is it just because I'm not 'spiritual'
enough, because my relationship with the Lord isn't nearly what it should be and can be?
Will I look back after 5 years and have to say: I have deceived people .. drawn them away
from God, instead of TO
Him?
I started reading the Word this morning, but had so many questions... and wasn't really
getting answers. I was reading in the Gospels and not really getting anything. Then I
opened the Word at Romans 12 and this is what I got:
Rom 12:4-8
Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the
same function, so in Christ, we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all
the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is
prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve;
if it is teaching, let him teach, if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it i
leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Praise God! In my heart, He just told me that we all do our 'work' for the Lord... but
everyone's is different, ACCORDING TO THE GRACE GIVEN TO US. We each (as sisters in the
Lord), have a different role to play in this trich-world, and according to how HE gives it
to us, that is how we should present it. We should just do it with care and love and to
the best of our ability (which HE gives to us). I should stop comparing myself to others,
to their faith, their christian experience, and just hang onto that which the Lord has
given me to do. Last night I just remembered again what the Lord's command to me was: This
healing that I have given you, go and proclaim it to the ends of the earth.
God is good! Praise His name!
____________________________
At the woman's meeting I'm going to, last week we worked though the
story of Moses - and what spoke to me is Ex 3:10... basically: I call you for my people
who are so oppressed (right word?), I call you to bring them to deliverance. (God was just
confirming my calling here). Then today, what spoke to me is
what God said to Moses>.... (in someone else's words)... Moses, you are only called to
be an instrument, """I""" will bring the deliverance, not
you.. you are only the instrument. So don't worry
if you 're not able etc... it isn't your job to bring the deliverance, that is my job.
It just confirmed to me again... no matter how God uses us... it isn't our work that is
being done. It is GOD doing the work, getting the glory etc. God uses Camilla and me
differently, but in the end
it is HIM doing the work in the trichster's lives.. and HE choses which way He is going to
use us and the way He is going to bring deliverance to us
____________________________
The article was published today. Was ok... small pic.. and
defintely not my best... don't look very friendly. But anyway, that is it. I remember the
first time a bad pic appeared - well, now it isn't
that important anymore. I prayed much for the article and for the people reading it, that
the right people will read it and be helped.
Remember I was so scared abt the article that was to be published? Later I wondered if i
did right - was it right that I planned to do the article... - I know God has given me
this ;job', but shouldn't I have asked first abt the article. Still difficult for me to
know what to do. Should I ask and wait for confirmation for every single thing that I do
with TLC or should
I just go ahead and do it - because the principle has been 'approved' or given to me by
the Lord? Was I so scared because maybe it was not within God's will? This was the morning
before the interview and I asked: God, should I stop the interview, or should I still go
to it? Well, I believe God gave me the
answer from 2 Sam 2:1.... David asked the Lord: should I go to the town Jude? and God
answered, Yes, go!
The next day, at the Woman's church meeting the Lord confirmed his 'calling' to me...Ex
3:9-10 ... I have seen the way the Egyptians (trich) are oppressing them. so now, go. I am
sendingyou to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.
Oh, when I was so scared (abt doing the article and everyone knowing what I do (pulling)),
part of the sermon was abt the Israelites who were sent into the promised land, but they
were so scared of the giants in that land. Well, that is how I felt. I felt the Lord
had given me something to do (go into the promised land), but I was SO scared of the
giants (esp. the homecell people) who I'll have to face, before I'll be able to go into
that promised land.
Back to my story. The morning of the interview, I decided to fast until the interview
(smile.. you know that is a big thing for me, staying without food, even only for the
morning). I just did it to try and get myself to stay focused on the Lord. Everytime I got
hungry or wanted something to eat, I thought of the Lord, the
interview, and what I was praying for (the success of the story in the newspaper). Was
nothing spectacular, but it was my way of being serious with the Lord and keeping focused
on the Lord.
Today, I prayed again when I saw the article.... (smile.. I put my hand over the article
and prayed for it to reach the right people and that the Lord would bless it for those
people). Anyway, afterwards I read my Bible and the Lord said something to me again: 2 Sam
3:36
All the people took note that he had not eaten and were pleased; indeed, everything the
king did pleased them.
Maybe this all sounds a bit 'wishy-washy', but I believe the Lord has been saying that He
has seen my heart and He is satisfied and that He confirmed again that this is what He
wants me to do. He wants me
to share the info abt trich, so that people who are so 'bound' by it, can get freedom from
it.
May I bring glory to His name by doing it!
_______________________________
(A little while later, I felt lead to discuss my ministry with our new pastor (in the new town).
When I was at the pastor, it was sort of hard to explain to him
where Jesus came into my ministry - it seems like he thought it was only telling them abt
the diet etc. Sigh... it is hard to tell the whole
story in a few minutes, esp. spiritual things which the Lord has taken a long time to go
through with one.
Later, though, I was reminded of a true story I heard long time ago. This lady
worked at the old age homeas a volunteer, but would never tell people what she did there.
It was her ministry, but she wouldn't talk abt it. Long time afterwards, she did
'confess'. Her ministry was to take the old people to the toilet, and to wipe their bums.
She did it in such a loving way, to be Jesus to them that they didn't feel ashamed or
anything.
I just suddenly remembered that story. And I thought... if she had to say what her
ministry was... would they ask her ... well, but do you bring the gospel, do you
specifically tell them abt Jesus while you're busy with your ministry? And you know, that
helped me too. So WWJD? (what would Jesus do?) He would wipe their bums, not necessarily
tell them the gospel everytime. And I thought: that is the same with me.... (I
hope). My ministry isn't one of specifically getting up and preaching the gospel or
deliverance through Jesus etc... but to love and give info abt the disorder and in that
way show Jesus... and I know God will open the doors with the right people, to share abt
Jesus and His love.
_______________________
Well, that is where I'm at now. (Feb 2000). I guess I will have these questions every now and then. But through struggling with these questions, getting messages from the Lord, confirmation etc., I think it is confirming and strengthening the message in my heart abt what my ministry really is.
Thank you Lord!