Advice by Mike Grant

This is a letter that Mike wrote to someone - I thought it was excellent

Steph makes reference to something I observed with my daughter. That is, when
the hair is regrowing, there is a length threshold of sorts when it comes to
pulling.

My daughter had been growing her hair for about six months before going off to
a summer program put on by a secondary level military academy. She had shaved
her head for six months prior to letting it grow out again. Although most of
the bare spots had filled in by that time, she found she had to get her hair
cut about every two weeks or so because the hair in those areas was growing
much slower than the surrounding hair and would tend to "show" if the
surrounding hair wasn't cut back to same length. She wanted to attend the
summer program and when we visited the campus in the spring, we were
tactifully told several times that the school didn't permit female cadets to
have buzz cuts. By the time the program started, my daughter's hair was close
to an inch on top and she had what anyone would have considered a feminine
haircut. It still didn't conform to the school standards, so she wasn't
allowed to get a haircut for six weeks until just before the end of the
program. Then it was a supervised haircut which was very uneven which she
didn't like. Less than a day after she came home, she started pulling again
before we could get her an appointment with the lady who usually cut her to
get it evened out. This was after more than year of not pulling at all. My
daughter shaved her head on her own again (which she wasn't supposed to for
medical reasons) ironically while I was away at the TLC Retreat. She tried
regrowing her hair again after shaving it for several weeks, but when it got
around an inch in length, she had to shave it again. We took the approach of
gradually letting the hair grow out until she felt uncomfortable with managing
the urge and then keeping the hair cut just slightly shorter. For my
daughter, that turned out to be just under an inch on top. For a styled
appearance, she keeps the sides and back tapered much shorter.

I believe this threshold is due to when a critical cue starts to present
itself. For my daughter, who is a clumper, it's the length when the hair can
be completely wrapped around a finger which she used to do to clump. If my
daughter can't clump, sne won't pull. For others, like L. and Steph, the
cue may be different, perhaps either tactile or visual. I believe Steph said
it was when she could start feeling individual hairs, which would be a tactile
cue. She also mentioned bleaching her hair, which might have helped with a
less significant visual cue. What would be great is to modify the cue in
some way as to spare the hair. The cues are most likely unique to the
individual which means it may require some self-observation and assessment to
qualify what the exact nature of the cue is.

For my daughter, I think eveness and symmetry are important. Keeping her hair
cut frequently where it is always even and trimmed seems to help alot. This
may be Charlie Mansueto's grooming instinct in play. I know others have
mentioned a lessened tendency to pull after getting their hair done, even when
a haircut wasn't involved.

I would be interested if other "head shearers" have also experienced this
threshold phenomenon.

As for L., here are some ideas that I would like to suggest:

1. Keep a diary of your pulls. Most importantly, record whatever feelings
and sensations you experience prior to pulling. This may help identify
operative cue(s).

2. Consider a slightly shorter haircut at a length that you feel comfortable
with that you find becoming to see if that helps.

3. Since boredom seems to be associated with the urge to pull, try giving
yourself a vigourous shampoo and scalp massage. This might provide adequate
stimulation to satiate the urge to pull as well as a competing response to
pulling. Be certain you only massage your scalp while shampooing. It's an
trick someone told me along time ago. Few trichsters pull while shampooing.
I suppose this is because it's difficult to get an adequate grip on on
slippery wet soapy hair. With my daughter, who has also experience the urge
of late, even after not pulling for almost two years, this helps. With the
full treatment of Cuticura shampoo, hot towels, massage, Sea Breeze, and aloe
vera gel, the effect lasts at least through the night. My daughter carries
Sea Breeze towellettes during the day to nip the itching in the bud.

4. You might consider coloring your hair, even if it's your own natural
color. My daughter has hairs that have still not recovered their pigment.
I've noticed these hairs tend to "bug" her. If you use a color which is near
your natural color, it fades unnoticeably. I am told a color rinse is much
milder than permanent coloring and if you don't like it, it will wash out. My
daughter had her hair permanently colored once by a professional, but her
natural red was hard to match and she ended up with a much darker color after
the first attempt left her hair a carrot like color. Coloring my modify or
eliminate a visual cue.

5. Be understanding of your dad. I am certain he loves you and is concerned.
Speaking from my own experience, dads sometimes do not know how to properly
express their concerns and sometimes do the wrong thing with the best of
intentions. Your dad just needs some time and your help If it wasn't for my
daughter's patience, understanding, and most of all, sharing and teaching, I
would be just like your today. Maybe that's all your dad needs and something
that really only you can help him with. Grandma still drives my daughter
"nuts" in just the same way as your father. It has been a problem for us as
well since my daughter got home from school for the summer. I have asked my
daughter to talk about trich with Grandma as she has with me, but the problem
is both my daughter and mother have reached the respective ages where they
both think they know everything and no one can tell them anything. Have you
ever tried putting two people who think they know everything together?

6. Be kind to yourself. You have done something very courageous. Also, you
did not pull for many months. These are things you should be proud of and
cannot ever be taken away, if you do pull again. What you didn't realize,
Leslie, was that it wasn't just your hair that was growing during those
months. You were growing inside as well and that was far more important than
anything you could see in the mirror. I, I very clearly observed that inner
personal growth when we met and shared together. Hair is not a good way to
measure growth when it comes to trich. It's too fragile and transitory. As
Christina has said so many times, hair comes and goes. That's the nature of
hair. Inner growth is never lost and can never be taken away. A wise person
was once asked how to tell what is important in life. His response was that
which endures. You're a stronger and more capable now than even several
months ago because of your efforts. If you need to cut your hair again, it
does not diminish who you are or what you have accomplished in any way.
Neither does pulling again. Try to see your recent lapse (not relapse) as an
opportunity for an even greater future success.

7. Continue to share with others as you have done. It is important to know
we are all here for one another. That's the foundation of our on-line support
community. You will never be a burden, quite the contrary. The support goes
both ways. Your courage and commitment give hope and encouragement to us all.
Being able to help even in some small way means alot to so many of us. So
don't be selfish!

I am going to be writing Leslie a private message, but I thought I would share
these ideas with everyone that might find them of benefit. Other thoughts and
ideas would be most welcome.

Take care and be well.

Mike