Melissa's Story

. I am 26 years old and have two wonderful children,and a common law husband.We have been together over 3 years now. I was diagnosed while pregnant with my girl with bipolar disorder and panic/anxiety disorder. I am doing much better now and although I am still on the med train, I am feeling ok and have wonderful support systems in place. It was only about a year ago that I learned of the term Trichotillomania. I told my psychiatrist about my hair pulling and she told me there was  a name for it and that she had many patients with the disorder. Needless to say, I was completely stunned. I have recently started looking up information on Trichotillomania online and am constantly amazed at the wonderful people out there who are willing to share their stories. I remember pulling my hair as a young girl, perhaps 9 or 10 years old. I would pull the hair out strand by hand, pluck off the root, discard the strand and start all over. Usually I did this without thinking, while reading at night in my bed. My mother used to be dumbfounded by the amount of hair accumulating on my blanket on the carpet beside the bed. I don't know if I consciously knew that I was even pulling to that degree. My mother never realized it, and because I had thick, long hair, it was not always noticable. When I was around 11 or 12 years old, it was finally noticed, these huge bald spots on the top of my head. I was sitting on the kitchen floor, leaning against the cupboards. My mother was sitting at the kitchen table and we were talking. My brother came into the kitchen and hopped up to sit on the counter next to where I was on the floor. He looked down and saw a huge bald patch in the center of my head with a inch wide strip going to the front near my forehead. My mother thought I had some sort of disease and rushed me to the doctor. The doctor minimized it and said she must be pulling it out on her own, don't worry, it is a nervous thing and she will outgrow it. I don't ever remember it coming up again, with my mother or with the doctor. I learned to hide it better. I would clean the hair off my blankets before I went to sleep. I would pull my hair back in a ponytail so that you didn't notice any bald or thinning spots. I think there may have been a few years that I stopped pulling. I don't remember really thinking much about it. Then at 17 years old I noticed it again. I was pregnant for my son, completely alone and lived independantly. My mother was in the hospital for the first time, being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She and I were not speaking. I began to spend time each day with an aunt of mine. She was nearing 60 years old an lived alone, right across the street from me. One night I looked over at her while we were watching a movie and she was pulling out her hair!!!! I just about fell over. I asked her about it and she said she gives herself bald spots too. I finally told her that I do it. Many nights we sat together watching figure skating on t.v. and pulling our hair out. What a comedy it seems looking back!! :) So I continued pulling and still do it to a degree. I had always kept my hair long. I was afraid of going to the hairdresser because they would notice how damaged my hair was, notice bald spots, thinning sections. They always asked what happened. I began to lie to them and decided not to cut my hair as often. So about two years ago I decided to go shorter. I cut my hair to shoulder length for the first time since I was young. It helped for a while. It just didn't feel so good to pull it when it was that short. But it grew back and my pulling continued. About 6 months ago, I went into the hair dresser determined to
conquer this. I told her to cut it super short. She didn't think I should, but I did. I went several months without pulling and have recently started again. It is starting to grow out again and getting easier to grab on to. So I will head back to the hair dressers next week for a trim and hopefully it will help again. I have noticed though that I have started plucking again around my pubic area. I have done this in the past but not severely. Now I am patchy and feel so awful. I plan to talk to my psychiatrist about this again at my next appointment. I don't know if this will ever stop for me, this battle with pulling. It is something that I cannot explain to somebody when they ask, and I don't have the answers. I just know that I continue to seek ways to prevent myself from this behaviour and pray that it never gets out of hand again. I have read most of the other peoples stories on your site. The brave actions of these women (and men) are inspirational. I wish you all luck on your adventures!!!  I am not yet brave enough to take pics of myself with my short hair. I feel so different, and am still coming to terms with the new me. I used to equate my long hair with beauty and femininity, and it is taking time to realize that even with my short hair, people can still find me beautiful. It is taking even longer to feel that beauty myself. The day you see the short hair me is the day I think I have found the strength to love myself as I should. -- Melissa