My friend Camilla wrote a powerful booklet of how God healed her from trich. She sent me this booklet, and following is a letter (edited version) I wrote to her after I read her booklet. This was in March 1998 (7 months ago), and I have held back putting this on my site, because I wasn’t too sure what it really meant to me in my own life. I was (am) also scared that some people may have a spiritual problem with this. But during the week God really touched me, and probably gave me some answers to questions that I asked here. That story is in the next section . I pray that God will use this write-up to His honor and glory.

 Hi Camilla

Your booklet really touched my heart.

You know, Louis has been through so much with me, and I thought he understood how we trichsters feel. Yet, after he read your booklet, you know  what struck him? The part (in the beginning) where you said that you felt that that one specific hair just didn't belong there - it shouldn't be on your head.I was very surprised - I thought he knew that it is how I felt. So your booklet helped me in helping him understand that better. Thanks my dear friend.

I don't think you knew that I was going through a really rough time the last 2 weeks or more. I'm going to tell you the whole story, ok, even though it is long. Originally I was angry and extremely frustrated, but later it became so bad that I realized that is wasn't just happening by chance - that the Lord was in charge. As you know, the Lord has done tremendous healing in my life (after the trich discovery) - spiritually, emotionally and just in all aspects of my life. I knew there were still huge memory gaps and that there were things that I haven't worked through - but it was mostly because I couldn't remember it.I know the Lord wants to free us totally, and that He would still bring back those memories on his own good time. But all in all, I was doing very well...

Then things started happening:

1) My grey hair started bugging me terribly - I had to force myself away from the mirrors, was fastening my hair permanently to make it easier etc. Oh, Camilla, I was so angry and frustrated - it started taking over my life again, the grey hair. (previously I didn't have much grey hair, and the one or two I had, I just pulled (like a normal person, not a trichster). But I decided not to pull it anymore, then there was many more of it and my troubles started.

2) We went to a baptismal service for my sister's baby, and she had a whole layout of cakes, tarts etc. I knew it would be difficult, but didn't reckon with the fruitcake with all those icing. It really, really got to me. I couldn't get away from it. It was so difficult, and I was angry, angry, angry - why did it have to be like it that I would NEVER again be able to eat it? This was really, really getting to me too.

3) Remember I send a copy of my story to the old schoolfriend in Belgium? She e-mailed me a long letter, and told me that she cried when she read it. What got to me was when she said that she now understood so many things that never made sense. Even though I was always friendly with her, she says that I never allowed her near me (emotionally) and that I always kept a distance. It really touched and hurt me. I never even knew that I did that at school already. It was quite a shock to learn that about myself.

4) Then next day I saw Christine L's pics. It was such a shock to me - I was sick on my stomach. Louis also saw it and it made him understand more what trich was about. He says previously I would complain because I pulled a hair or two and he thought - what's the big issue? Now he saw the damage that could be done, also the damage that could be done in one night of pulling. I realized that even though I told people that I had virtually no hair at one stage, I was saying it with my mouth - my mind wasn't really remembering how it looked exactly. Seeing the pics hit my like a ball in the stomach. I was sick....

5) I lost my internet access at work, and with all the e-mails, I don't have time to read through the BB at night. So suddenly that line of support was cut off.

6) And the worst was that Louis wasn't supporting me. I couldn't understand it - he just wasn't there for me. I even wrote him a letter, really begging for support, and even though he apologized very much etc.... afterwards he still wasn't there for me. This I couldn't understand - he was always there for me...... and when I started thinking about it, this was when I realized that something big was going on. All these things happened within a period of 2 weeks! (In Louis' defense I have to say that he was already very sick at this time - not at all being able to talk to me - like being in his own world - cold fever, hot fevers etc.... and staying in another room so that I could sleep. So I even lost the arm around me at night - that physical support) I then realized that the Lord had his finger in this pie! Just one of the above things was difficult enough to handle on it's own - suddenly it was as if the Lord just had me have it all out!

Well, Friday lunchtime, I got your booklet. Reading about picking up your own burden.... really spoke to me. I knew the Lord was busy.... I started reading the booklet, and had quite a few tears at all the hurt and heartache I read there. Came halfway and then came home.

Louis was in his own room, and I had a nice bath later at night, and then got into bed - early - with your booklet to read - alone.  Well, I read your story, and then I got to the point where the Lord said that He would heal you. Previously I thought that it happened overnight - but then I read that you first accepted Him, was baptized in the Holy Spirit etc... and the Lord gave you peace about your hair.

When I read that only after 9 months and 19 days the Lord said that He would heal you......... well, my dear sister, a supernatural thing happened. (nothing like this has happened to me before)  Camilla, it was like a huge white, shining sword, made of light, suddenly was pierced right through my heart! It was like I could see this sword of light and the pain in my heart was terrible! I started crying..... because suddenly I thought .... If the Lord could totally heal Camilla after 9months - maybe there is hope for me  too, after being 'healed' almost 20 months. I just cried..... so scared to hope that it could happen to me to - that I too could be delivered from this hell....

You know, I stopped praying and hoping for it long, long time ago. Before I knew about trich, they prayed for me for deliverance at church (they did not know what exactly they prayed for), and I often asked the Lord to take it away. Often, often, often.  But remember my story on my site - where the Lord gave me all those deliverance messages, and then I crashed totally after believing Him and trusting Him. Then I started on the diet and I experienced it that the diet was the Lords' way to give me 'healing'. I accepted it that I would always have trich, but thanked the Lord (still) for the diet - because it really helps me tremendously.

I never again asked him to deliver me. I thought He did what He planned to do. I thought that the Lord wanted me to still have trich so that I could help others and help them know about the diet etc.Now I don't know. Everytime I start thinking about it - thinking that maybe I can hope, I start crying. The Lord did give me a verse afterwards .... saying that where the Spirit of the Lord works, He gives us freedom............

So my friend, that is what I asked you to pray for me for. To know what the Lord really is saying to me. Should I hope? Should I believe ... or should I be content with what I've got and thank Him for what He has done so far? (which is a miracle on it's own already).   In a way it is easier to be content with what I've got - than to believe that He will heal me, and it doesn't happen. I don't have much faith - I felt very small reading your booklet - seeing the faith that you've got. But (sigh) the Lord knows us all and works with us all in His own way and according to our circumstances etc.

I'm going to keep this letter, one day I believe I will add this (with the answer) to my site. I know the Lord is up to something - I just don't know what yet.