Letters of hope

Various letters

When I said that I didn't  really remember what I did to become pull-free, it is because I honestly can't single out what it was that actually made the difference. I can say that I owe everything to this board and all of the wonderful people here. Before I found this BB, I had tried things like wearing hats, gloves, and many times telling myself that I would stop every time my hand reached for my hair. I had been pulling for about eight years (since seventh or eighth grade), and didn't think that it was possible to ever stop. It was just something that I did. On my birthdays, I would always wish for a miracle that would stop me from pulling out my hair. That wish came true in October of 1997. I started reading this board. I became more and more aware of my hands when they reached up toward my hair. On October 22, I had my first pull-free day in a looooong time. I bookmarked this BB and read the posts multiple times a day. I also began to post on the board. For some reason, the whole process of reading about everyone else's successes and trials just helped me so much and allowed me to find my own strength to stop pulling. For the next few months I continued to read the posts every day. I have also kept a small slip of paper in my desk drawer. Before I go to bed every night, I put a tally mark on that paper to mark off another day pull-free. In the beginning, I had strong urges to pull. However, with time, the urges became weaker and were less often. I saw that others were having successes and were able to put trich behind them and I saw how much happier they were, and I wanted to be in that position too. I thought, if they can do it, then so can I! And I can now happily say that my bald spots have filled in (still a little thinner on top, but I am still extremely delighted), and I am eager for my hair to grow long enough so that it is the same length as the rest of my hair! I still often reach up and touch my hair, mostly feeling out where the growth is and just enjoying the feeling of being able to feel hair where it was once bare. However, that is where it ends -- no more pulling! I have been so happy not only in the confidence that it has given me, but also because it has made my parents so happy to see that I have gained control in this part of my life. Oh and to answer your question, Ihave not changed my diet or taken any medication. I did notice once that after eating a lot of candy, my urges were greater the next few days. However, being a college student doens't allow for me to be too picky about what I eat, and I can't live without my chocolate! So, what has changed in the past few months is my attitude toward trich, and my confidence in myself in that I can get over it -- and you can too!

First, after finding this board (before the holidays), I had a STRONG desire to want to stop for once and for all. I tried sooooo many times before, but the support and chances to communicate with others really turned me around. Secondly, I started Potassium Gluconate. Only one tablet twice daily... this led to the new habit of vitamin supplements (multi-vitamin) which has given me a general sense of feeling better. I am also trying to eat better (modified John Kenter diet...) Still hoping there is a "Taco Bell" diet for ustrichsters! (ha ha)  After I started "feeling healthier", it got easier... The control I felt really motivated me to take it one step at a time. The week I started the potassium is the week I stopped "pulling". I still have "urges" and I still "play" with my hair, but I have NOT pulled. I spent the cash on Nioxin (Scalp Therapy feels so good on my tired old scalp)and got a scalp massager. Next paycheck, I'm trying the Nx3 everyone is raving about.I keep hacky sack balls near my tv and phone for playing... I get on the BB or the AOL chatroom when I feel the "urges" coming... I had to re-program myself completely...  The re-growth is there now... funny looking hair it is!!  I have even been under-the-weather and cranky this past week and I am still "pull free". If I could do it you guys can.

I thought I would share my positive vibes and some of the changes that have worked for me. I changed my diet: no chocolate, caffeine, sugar for the most part (sometimes I cheat on the sugar, but only late at night when I know I'll be asleep when the urges will hit). I have a banana, yogurt milkshake every morning. I try to eat potassium rich foods and more greens and fruits instead of processed foods and carbos. I exercise regularly. This really helps. One thing that motivates me is if I start to pull, I say to myself, if I have energy to pull, I have energy to exercise and I get up off the couch and really push myself, even a walk around the block. I'm taking Luvox, 200 mg a day (just increased my dosage, so I'm not sure of the results yet). I also take potassium gluconate supplements and a good multi-vitamin. I don't profess to have all the answers, I still have pulled my eyelashes. But I went 6 days without pulling, then I went another 6 days, then another. I've had 21 pull free days and 7 pulling days over the last month. That's a heck of a lot better than I've ever done. I've discovered my weakest moments are on the weekends (my trigger times). Sorry to blab on and on, but I think things happen for a reason. I think there's a reason I have trich and a reason I found this bb. I've never really had to work so hard mentally at something. I've never had a bigger challenge than fighting trich. Maybe my struggle is going to teach me determination, compassion, perseverance and how to make positive changes in my life.

I think the thing that has helped me most, besides the bb, was moving away from a very stressful situation. To everyone who is really struggling, and feels like there is absolutely no hope for you, believe me, there is!!!! I was pulling non-stop almost everyday, and there was no possible way to totally hide the "spots," and I felt like a complete jerk. I was sure that I was never going to stop, and was always envious of those who had gone for months, weeks, or even a day pull free. I was completely hopeless. But, here, I found strength. I started standing up for myself, and tried to be aware of where my hands were at all times. I have always been involved in sports, but I started to change my diet for the better, and that helped a lot too. I started feeling good about myself. As Pj says, I "babied myself baby!!" And it felt great. That is the best therapy you can ever go through!!! And, most importantly, I removed myself from a bad situation. If there is something in your life that is seriously stressing you, get away from it. If yuo can't completely get away form it, then try to aviod for as long as possible. And if you can't escape it at all, save your stress for something else. A punching bag, go for a run, take a nap, call a friend, or just bring it here, and vent. There is no miracle cure for this, so you just have to fight. And we are all fighters, otherwise we wouldn't even be here. You can do it, the power lies within you, it just takes time to find it.  Never give up, and remember, once you feel like you ahve hit rock bottom, there is no place to go but up. I learned that the hard way, and all before my 18th birthday. Which reminds me, 25 days, and I ma on my own!!!! :o)  Take care, and Pj, I hope you don't mind me stressing this...BABY YOURSELF BABY!!!. Advice from the wisest woman I have ever met!! Love to all.

No, I never (ever) thought I could make it (pull free) for 6 weeks. I remember trying to stop almost every week of my life and for some reason, I was able to 6 weeks ago. I have also noticed, like MANY others, that once I found this board and started practicing some of the techniques working for others, I was able to go "pull free". Perhaps:

1. Knowing I wasn't alone anymore

2. Something to concentrate on - the BB, the BB members, why we have trich, planning chats, diet, triggers, etc.

3. The info. on potassium was the clincher... I don't have any idea why the stuff works for me, but it does.

4. I started taking pride in myself again. There are so many success stories! I felt "I can do it". Now, if I could drop 20 pounds! (my next goal)

Stress is a killer (for everyone)... Track your stress trigger times and realize so much of it is out of your control. I realized driving was a big trigger for me. Now, I am leaving 10 minutes early to avoid the traffic in the morning. I keep "stress toys" in the car, etc.

T.V. too is a trigger... trance session! I now do my nails (I'm also

a reformed nail-biter), I also found taping my favorite programs keeps

my hands busy (forwarding through the commericals), only watching

the shows I enjoy (not just watching for boredom sake).

xxxi and all feeling desperate - I could have written your post a year ago. I have no idea what your trich history is and where you are at in your life right now, but I (and I know that we all can) can indentify with your feelings of desperation. The bad news is - there is no quick fix. The good news is that if you can really accept that fact (and that is not easy at all) then you can begin to put your life into a "one day at a time" frame of mind. You don't deserve to have a chronic disorder in your life - none of us do. But, life it truly not fair and like many others in this world, we have a chronic illness that will require some attention every day. I had a big pity party for myself when I really accepted this and then I thought aboutChristopher Reeve and his attitude about getting on with what life had dealt him - and I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and just begin to try to do my best each dayto not pull. It helped that I was finally really sick and tired of the knowing that I was just as good as others and feeling less because of my hair. I still hate having trich but I have moved on. Trich is not very high on the research scale and the odds are great that a cause and cure will not be found in my lifetime. Sad, but probably true. I am 52. I don't know how old you are. A quick fix seems very critical when you are a teen. Once you get beyond high school, the issue becomes that instead of people teasing you - they ignore the trich and that brings it's own kind of shame. If you are a teen or young adult, there are many like you on this board who can understand you and help you in a way that I cannot. If you are beyond high school, then, for me, it became important to stop getting anxious over the disaster that I had created.  Everyone around me had already accepted the disaster that was my appearance. I was the one stressed out by it - others either liked me or not but my hair had nothing to do with their feelings. I don't know if this frame of mind can help you get into the "one day at a time don't worry about the past or fret about future failures" state of mind. It helped me. Because, truly, the only way to fight trichis by taking it one day at time.  A year ago, I began with the strong desire to start having pull-free days like others posting here. It took several days of false starts to get a pull-free day. I had had them before in the past- so I knew that I could do it. Have you ever had a pull-free day? If not, that is what you need to begin to strive for. It can be done. Many here, who had never had a pull-free day and would havesworn that it could not be done - are now routinely posting pull-free spells. :)  For a couple of days, I tried just to postpone a pull for even 5 minutes, then 15, then an hour. I did write down my feelings at that time and , for me, I found that it was ususally when I was avoiding doing something (housework) that I didn't want to do but knew that Ishould be doing. I have also pulled in anger (I no longer give the person that I am angry at the satisfaction of my destroying my hair because I am angry at them). The closer that it got to the dinner time the guiltier I would feel and the stronger the urge to pull.   Writing this down helped me to become aware of that trigger. I chose to eat chocolate when the next urge struck. I have since learned to actually tackle what I am avoiding but, at that time, I substituted chocolate for pulling. It was my drug of choice. I don't recommend it but it did help me when I was getting started.  Did this help you at all? You can stop this awful cycle, but it isn't easy - you have to trust that if you can just focus on each day and do the very best that you can - it will pay off in the long run. One thing that I have learned here is that it is not total perfection that is neccessary - it is persistance in keeping up the fight. It really helps to have this group of people here fighting the fight each day with me. Take a deep breath - this is not a sprint - it is a marathon. I have never done a marathon before and it is exhilerating to be in a trich marathon. I hope that doesn't sound trite - because it is really meaningful to me. For the record, I have been persistantly pull-free for the last year without meds or therapy. "Just" the support that I have received here. I am not against people using meds or getting therapy. I mention it only to offer hope to those who cannot get or, like me, do not want that kind of help and feel that no one could possibly have success without it. I think that we each come here from different backgrounds and carry different baggage. For many people, medical help with trich may be essential. For many, it may be very helpful.  But, there are others here, like me, who are having success without outside help. We are all no better or worse than each other.

Much love, Marge 37 years of despair, 1 year, 7 persistantly (not all perfect - but yesterday was!) pull-free days filled with power, hope and love. As Oprah says - power is strength over time. Power over trich comes from persistance. The ability to pick ourselves up over and over again - it is amazing how once you truly commit to being persistantly pull-free - it does get harder and harder to have major pulling sprees. At least for me, it does.

I'm er..what's the word...honoured, that my words helped you...it's about all I can offer anyone here... Mind if I explore your situation a little more?

In OCD, part of the definition of the disorder is that if you don't do something, it causes you extreme anxiety.  Now...extrapolating to Trich, which has been likened to OCD and BDD and any number of disorders (current theory is that all the Mood/Anxiety disorders are just symptoms of the same biochemical/genetic disorder, and just exhibit themselves differently per individual)... wel, if you extrapolate that to Trich, what do we have? We have a compulsion to pull, for one. When we try to suppress that, we feel very anxious, jittery, on-edge... What do we gain by pulling? Why, a sense   of relief...you might even call it pleasure, it's such a relief to just do it. So I wouldn't be scared so much that it felt good to pull...it seems to me to be classic in anxiety disorders that you WOULD feel good after pullilng, because it is your release of built up anxiety from not pulling...yet bad at the same time... Good because it was an anxiety release to you. Bad because of the self-inflicted guilt and anguish over having "blown" a good period.  What you need to realize is that this 1) is all entirely normal within the disorder, and many of the people here, if not all, seem to be going through (or have gone through) similar points and feelings over time, and 2) that your example of how good it felt to pull, combined with my explanation as to the possible "why" of it would lead me to believe that's why it's as treatable with the proper cognitive-behavioural therapy, just like the other anxiety disorders. Besides that (and maybe I'm getting my timelines mixed up, but I think I'm remembering your post correctly)...you told your mom on Saturday and pulled yesterday. Isn't it just possible that the stress of having told your mom (and what adult or kid hasn't felt guilt at worrying their parents at one point or another) may have just been sitting in the back of your mind, sort of percolating for a day or two, until you just off and pull a little? It seems more than plausible to me. Don't forget...these are ANXIETY disorders...and added stressors like confrontations, stress, guilt...they all contribute to making it harder to stand firm...they're little underminers...

That you are susceptible to them means you're human...nothing more, nothing less.  As I see it, it came at the wrong time, and just caught you off balance...you'll recover...I've no doubt of that... You've been strong enough to go pull free before...you can be that strong in the future... Even if you're exhausted emotionally (and even physically...I know I get that way with my disorders), you could take a day and just be "eh...mostly pull free" before totally recommitting yourself to being persistently pull free. That may seem like I'm giving bad advice to some...but really, after having been through therapy a few times, I'd say that sometimes it's better to sometimesget over the exhaustion for even a short while (say, up to a week) and then go back, rather than go immediately back to 100% effort and be too tired to maintain and deal yourself another blow to the ol' self-esteem. Of course, what you do is entirely up to you, how you feel, and what you feel up to doing. But so long as you get back to working on it within a decent amount of time, you'll be fine... (yes, I've had this "break" strategy suggested by a therapist once..."ok, if you're not going to work on it, take a break for a week...take the week off....then go back to it and WORK" were pretty much her words)

You hang in there....and if there's anything I can do or say...let me know... You'll make it..."just a setback"...no matter how bad it feels (and I know it does feel BAD), it's just that....a setback...not an indicator of hopelessness. Remember that....

Still pull-free almost and often pull free, but I like to call it pull-free almost because then I'm not so hard on myself for wanting to be perfect. I can't be perfect, but I can be myself.

Progress, not perfection

I found this bb on Jan. 16 and like many of you I had no idea that my bad habit had a name. Maybe like you, I was elated and depressed at the same time. As I researched it on the net, I quickly discovered there is no magical pill to cure this monster. But, there is hope. The fact that you found the bb means you searched the net for answers and probably want to make a change. That is the first step. My experience has been to try everything to see what works for me. Here's an abbreviated list (if you want more info on any of this check out Amanda's website-thanks Amanda):

Potassium Gluconate-2 tabs./day-99 mg

Multi-vitamin-1 tab/day

Diet: cut out sugars, caffeine, chocolates during the day (only at

night when I'm around people and going to sleep soon), eating

brocolli, more greens, cutting down on processed foods and just

basically improving my overall diet. Check out the JK diet and give it

a whirl!

Luvox-200 mg/day (has helped with anxiety, doesn't take the urge away though)

Koosh ball at work

Told my fiancee

Apply NX3 to pulling areas at night

Changed my morning routine: put mascara on downstairs at last minute so I don't spend too much time examining "bad lashes" that deserve to be pulled during the day.

**Try really hard** not to awaken the monster by touching my lashes or pulling one, much harder to stop once you start.

Read the bb everyday (except weekends). Have gotten most of my motivation and inspiration from here. There's always something I take with me everyday that helps me. Since finding the bb in Jan. I significantly cut down my lash pulling. Like many of you, I started counting days. I got very depressed anddiscouraged when I broke down and lost lashes after 6 days of being pull free. But I picked myself up and started over. Then I pulled again after 7 days. Then I went another 6 days and pulled some lashes again. But I still stuck with it. Last weekend was the first weekend since Jan. 16 that I didn't lose a lash. What I'm trying to say is,some of you may try to not pull and "fall off the wagon". But NEVER GIVE UP. Maybe like me, it is a 3 month process to find your triggers and find what helps you not pull. I don't know if next weekend will be pull free, but I'm going to try really hard. Always remember, you have nothing to loose by trying to quit again and again and everything to gain! We are all cheering for you! You CAN do it!

Do you ever look around a room and notice that most people never touch their hair, brows, lashes, ? Sometimes, I just look at my family and realize exactly what trich really is. My hands are just drawn to my head like a strong magnet was pulling them. Their hands have no desire at all to touch their hair. Mine would be there all of the time , pulling, if I would let them. That is trich. I have it - they don't. After a year of being in control of this disorder, I am not tortured by urges to pull, itching head, etc. But, if I let them, my hands would still be in my hair all of the time. It is just that, now, it has become almost like a reflex thought. When my hands touch my hair - my brain now sends an automatic message that says, "Hey - get away from there!". It is so automatic now that it does not stress me out at all. If I let my hands stay in my hair, even now, a year later, they will still search for that brittle crinkly hair and if they find it that hair will definitely still drive me crazy. If I give in and pull that one hair, then I will still be tortured for hours with the urge to find and pull another. I know this, so, I have learned to listen to that buzzer that goes off when my hands touch my hair. It is important to reset the alarm every morning. :)   Trich may not go away, but it can become so automatic to not pull that it is no longer stressfull. I think that diabetics, recovering alcholics, etc can truly understand what we all go through each day of our lives. My husband is really glad that I have finally "just stopped" pulling out my hair. I have tried to make him understand that this is a lifelong chronic illness that I do battle with each and every day. I think that that is why the connections we make here are so critical for our success.  Even those who love us dearly cannot really understand what we all struggle with each day. They try, but, when we get trich under control they think - "great, it's over.". Here, we have the love and support from others who understand that stopping pulling is just phase one. Staying pull-free persistantly even when life throws thosecurve-balls requires support from those who really understand - fellow sufferers. To newbies, a major step in my learning to not pull was accepting trich as a real, chronic illness and then learning how to deal with my chronic illness. I am not nuts. I have a chronic illness that I am learning how to control very much like diabetics learn to control their illness. It CAN be done. It is not easy, but then learning to live with and manage any chronic illness is probably not easy. As has been said here many times before. No one deserves a chronic illness. We don't deserve this but we have it and we can learn to manage it.  Much love from Marge, 37 years of despair, 12 months, 14 persistantly (not all perfect- but many now are!) pull-free days filled with power, hope and love. Today is the only day that I have control over. I am going to try - just for today- to make positive choices. I will NOT worry about the past or the future.

so here is how I've decided to handle the rest of today:

1. If I feel my hand reaching for my scalp, I will emphatically say to myself "DON'T".

2. I will immediately look at my watch and, according to the severity of the urge, decide how many minutes I will give my self to ride out the urge before I act on it.

3. In the meantime, I will get my hands busy with something else. I will try to do something fun with my hands...like post to the BB, e-mail a trich friend, polish my nails, etc.

4. If my urge has not disappeared when my time is up, I will play a little game with myself. I will tell myself that if I still really want to pull in five minutes, I can. I will look at my watch to see when my five minutes will be up.

5. During my 5 minutes, I will pull out the big guns. I will play with a pipecleaner, play with and bite on nylon thread, grab some silly putty, play with koosh balls, floss my teeth, etc.

6. If I still have the urge after 5 minutes, I will try to repeat these six steps until:

A. HOPEFULLY, the urge subsides, or

B. WORST CASE, I give in to the urge and promise myself to follow these steps again when the next urge strikes. I will at least have spared several hairs by delaying.

This is going to be hard, but I'm really going to try this customized form of behavioral therapy on myself. Maybe tomorrow I'll be fortunate enough to wake up without that "going to pull" feeling. But right now, I'm going to concentrate on today.

I will say that getting control over trich has not been easy It was very difficult for the first week or so, and remained quite hard during the first couple of months. There were times when it took everything I had to resist the urge to pull. But the good news is that, as some of the veterans here assured me it would, resisting has gotten quite a bit easier--and the urge to pull has gotten much less strong--in the past couple of weeks, as I approach my third-month anniversary of being persistently pull-free. (By the way, in calling myself "persistently pull-free," I mean basically that while I haven't been 100% pull-free since I started counting on January 20, when I found this board, I have had many perfectly pull-free days since then--in fact, most of them have been perfectly pull-free. I have pulled some lashes, mostly without even being aware of what I was doing, but only about 5-6 total in 12 weeks. If I strive to be perfectly pull-free, then I must start from scratch if I slip even the tiniest bit, and have "failed" totally by pulling just one lash, which I think is just too discouraging. Being "persistently pull-free" is a goal that it is far easier to meet, and allows us to be less-than-perfect but still absolutely good enough.)

It's far too early to say that I've "recovered from," or "cured," or "conquered" my trich; perhaps a true "cure" isn't a real possibility for me. By that, I mean that just as non-drinking alcoholics still identify themselves as alcoholics and must always be vigilant to be sure they remain on the wagon, I, as a currently non-pulling trichster, will always have to be aware that I remain a trichster, and that I will have times when the urge to pull comes back strongly and fiercely, and must be resisted with all my strength. I certainly don't delude myself that all my hard work is behind me. I am sure that, even though things have (finally!) gotten easier, they will get tough again when I'm under high stress or am confronted with othertriggers. But I am very happy with the progress I've made, and hope and anticipate that my success will continue.

Two more quick (I promise!) notes.... First, I took PJ's advice to "baby myself" by doing something I would never dared to have done when my lashes had huge chunks missing: get a mini-makeover. The thought of having someone examine my face, including my eyes, that closely would have been a living nightmare three months ago, when I had removed all but about 6 lashes from my right top eyelid and about 3 from my left top lid. Now, it just feels like a reward. The makeup artist even casually mentioned that though my lashes (like my hair) are blonde, they're so "thick and long" I really need mascaraonly to color them, not to make them look lusher or longer. Wow!! Moments like that make the hard work so worth it, and help keep me motivated to stay focused on the fight.

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you, OK?)