Giving my trich to the Lord

This happened after my slip (after 3 years of being PPF)

A few days ago, on a guestbook entry on my site, someone mentioned
the book 'From Prison to Praise'.. and how we are called to thank
God, for our adversaries. I told Louis that I don't think I'm there
yet, in my trich struggle. I can see the good that has come from
having trich (like having more empathy with people, having
wonderful friends right across the world, and God using
trich to really speak to me and even through me)... but THANK Him for
having trich? Phew... I wasn't sure. Even now, I don't think I can
do it.

Anyway, today in church we sang a song which really spoke to me. It
goes something like this"

In the future and in the past, Jesus is Lord of all.
In my dreams and longings, Jesus is Lord of all.
In good and in bad, Jesus is Lord of all
In my whole life, Jesus is Lord of all...... etc. (in my own words)

The pastor challenged us.. have you given your husband, your
children, to God? I started thinking abt my trich.. have I given
my trich to God? Yes, surely I have given him my problems with
trich, I have asked Him to help me, He has given me a job(ministry)
to do with trich, which I have given to Him etc. But Trich itself?
Have I given that to Him? Can I? Can I say: Lord, my trich is
yours... do with it as you wish.. use it as You wish, make us of it
in my life, as You wish? Can I do that? Can I give God that
'control' in my life, that permission to do with trich what He wants
to? (He does anyway, ...smile). But can I give Him PERMISSION to do
so? Can I tell Him to do that, with my 'blessings'? Can I give
trich to Him, and let Him control my life like that, knowing very
well how bad things can get when trich takes over?

It was so hard, I was SO scared.. I just started crying. I don't
want to feel like I do when trich hits me bad , I'm scared,
I hate having trich when it isn't under reasonable control. I know
how trich can break me down emotionally... can I 'allow' that, am I
wiling to give all that to Him to do as He wishes? Am I prepared to
go through that.. knowing that it was my own doing, my own permission
that caused it? Isn't it easier to say No, and just go on as I am?

I know that if you give God control in your life, if you want to go
deeper and futher with Him, that it is actually a 'dangerous'
thing to do. (smile) It can be the start of many trials, and
suffering. Oh yes, through it all you draw closer to Him, you
receive and experience His blessing, His love, His presense and all
that. But first of all you usually go through quite some heartache.
It is 'dangerous' to give God control of your life - am I prepared
to do it?

That was my choice - do I want a 'easy' life, with trich being ok ..
or do I want to be really near God, do I want to feel His presence,
do I want to grow nearer to Him and get into a deeper
relationaship with Him? Our God is a gentleman... He never
forces Himself on people. I knew it was my own choice.. no one
would make it for me.. God was waiting patiently for me to
decide.

Well, I decided. I do want to give it to Him.. I want Him to be in
control of every single part of my life. I also know that He shows
me (in His time), which parts of my life I haven't given to Him yet.
This time He showed me it was trich that I haven't given to Him to
control yet. Yes God, this is what I want.. I want to give you
permission, I want You to do with my trich as you please.. as You
see fit. Yes, I'm scared, dead scared, but I know that You are in
control, and that You wil be with me, through every single trial and
tribulation. Praise God!

Well, and then there was a prophesy, which sort of made me smile,
but also had my heart turn. The context was for people who have
decided to give their money, their families, etc. to God. God said
to them: What you have given to Me, I will not take away. I will
just keep it with me.. but I won't take it away from you.

Mmm.. which is fine for 'them', but I gave Him my trich and He said:  I'm not going to take it away! Well, I guess that isn't news for me.. God has told me that often   before that He won't take my trich away, but He will remove the enemy (trich) from my life, 'little by little'. So again,  confirmation of what God is doing with trich in my life.