Do I ever pull?

I don't want to mislead anybody, so I decided to add this section.

The end of this month (March 1998) I will have been on the JK diet for 18 months.  I consider myself persistently pull free for that 18 months.  See 'definition of success' for a description of 'persistently pull free'

To me, the worst has always been the urges.  I can even handle having pulled, but if I get an urge, even if I don't pull, it just breaks me down very much.  I easily get the hate-myself feelings, get annoyed with myself etc.  So I guess for me, success is not to have urges.  That is my goal.  That is what makes me happy (as far as trich goes).

As you know, I stopped pulling from my head +- 5 years ago.  Everyone thought I was 'cured' - but I just moved to the areas 'below the chin' - mostly pubic, but also armpits, legs etc.  I had all the urges, but replaced the head pulling to the other pulling.  What I still wanted to do, was to pull from my head.  So it was like substituting what I wanted to do.  

When I started the diet, it took away the urges to pull from my head.  It is great!  If I eat wrong and do get an urge,  the urge is to pull from my head - I find my hands in my hair, I feel the kinky, coarse hair, and I just want to get it out!!

To me, the pubic pulling was always something different.  It isn't so much about hair - it is more about picking, looking for bumps, looking for hair under the skin etc.  I almost see it more as  a picking problem.  (not that I don't like getting the roots...).  But there texture has nothing to do with it - it is what I see that triggers me off.  The same with legs - it just isn't like the real thing- the roots are nothing to write home about, but getting the hair under the bumps etc ... quite nice!

Round about 9 months after being on the diet, I had a bad time.  For 3 weeks, I was having urges, without knowing why.   My hands was in my hair continually, and I actually pulled +- 20-30 hairs in that time.  I was so desperate - I cried a lot - I thought the diet has stopped working, and I'm going back to where I came from (pulling-wise).  It was so scary!  At first I couldn't figure it out, and then I realized what happened.  Was bad timing.....    I drank a pill to keep me awake when driving (never did it before), and without me knowing it, it had only one ingredient -  caffeine!    So when I realized this, I knew I was going to have urges, and expected it.   But normally it lasts a day or two, then it gets better.  This time it just keep on and on.  2 weeks later I got the answer.  Peas!  My maid made some lovely soup, and I took some to work every day for about a week.  Unbeknown to me, she put split peas in the soup (I didn't realize I had split peas in the house).   Just after that, I started eating dried dates (always looking for something sweet to substitute sugar).  I was eating dates every day.  I actually tested it - ate 1 or 2 - nothing happened.  So I thought it was safe, and ate LOTS every day.   The one or two was ok, but not more.  I found later that the fructose content of dates are very high.  So for 3 weeks I was really suffering.  It was such a relief to find out what the truth was - why I was having urges.

As you may know, I believe my pulling isn't my fault - it is the fault of the trich in me that makes me want to do it.   So when I realized why I was pulling, I was so relieved - I had the cause of my pulling.  So it wasn't me that was weak etc - it was the trich that made me do it.   So I never counted that as 'falling off the wagon' - just a temporary dietary problem which was sorted out.

I've never pulled from my head again, even though I've wanted to at times.

Oh, I lie.  At times I pull a grey hair or so.  I think it is ugly if a long grey hair sticks out between the others, and I don't want it there.  As long as I pull one or two,  I am ok with it.  Other people without trich does it too. Yet I know that I must never forget that I have trich - it is a danger zone.  I have found myself at times starting to 'zone out' - and start the 'just one more' routine.  Then I know I've got to get away from the mirror quickly.  (I don't suggest to people to do this, ok?  That's just me that is ok with it for now).  Is this breaking my record?  Not in my eyes......

But I do still scratch and pick my skin - esp. the pubic area.  I try not to, but I do.  I know I need to exercise self-discipline to reduce it - but I'm not specifically trying very hard to stop completely.  I don't like it - I would prefer to be like others who don't find any pleasure in it..... but I've come to the point in my life where I've accepted that I am a person with trich - and there are things going with it that will affect my life.  As I say, I don't like it, but I can live with it (as long as I have reasonable control over it)l.  As far as the legs go - I'm experimenting with waxing at the moment - I knew it was a dangerous game.... but I decided to give it a go.  I am quite hairy, so even if I shave in the morning, by the evening there are little daggers sticking out of my legs already.  So I decided to try waxing.  Well, with waxing, my legs are never as smooth as when I've just shaven.  And there are always a few that got left behind.   So I gave myself permission to pull those -  I do it, I like it, and I'm quite happy with it.  It's almost like a little present to myself, for giving up so many other things.  I even do it in front of my family and don't really feel ashamed about it.  Louis is happy with it, it doesn't bug him, and I'm quite happy with it myself.

Unfortunately I got a bit too relaxed, and ended up one Saturday morning in the sun, with tweezers and a needle and did quite some damage to my legs.  I don't hate myself for it - I don't think I am weak or crazy etc......  but I am angry at myself.  Now I won't be able to wear shorts for a while.

Do I consider that as breaking my 'record'?  Do I feel I have fallen off the wagon?  Am I a weakling? 

I don't think so.     Some people may see it as not accepting the truth.  Maybe, but I'm ok with it - I didn't have urges, and I didn't pull because of the urges.  It was just being a bit stupid - living dangerously and I got burnt.  But I know now (again) to be careful and watch myself - keep the tweezers and needles away from each other, and after I had a bath, get dresses as quickly as possible.

Well, that is my story as it stand now - that is why I am persistently pull free - not perfectly pull free.