Anne's story of gaining control

My Story (June 1999)

I am a 29 year old female who had two major outburst of TTM throughout my life. The first outburst went away naturally with the onset of puberty. I believe the second outburst was caused by hormonal therapy I underwent in my early 20’s. I am finally beginning to control and overcome the second outburst. Here is my background relating to TTM, and my suggestions at the end for how I dealt with TTM.

The Early Years

I was about 9 years old when I first encountered TTM. I would keep my left hand busy while writing school assignments, and my right hand would wander to the right side of my head, behind my right ear. Due to the constant pulling, I had about a 1-2 inch diameter bald spot in that area. My mother took me to the doctor, thinking that perhaps I was eating something to make my hair fall out there (I refused to talk about what I was doing). The doctor was stumped; he couldn’t figure it out. I was scared and embarrassed to tell anybody that I was actually pulling it out. When the doctor asked if I was pulling, I said yes. I’m not sure what was discussed between the doctor and my mom, but the only bit of therapy I got was my parents constantly saying ‘stop playing with your hair’ every time I did.

I cannot explain why I started pulling hair from my head. I always excelled at my schoolwork, straight A’s. I was a happy kid, no abusive parents or situations. I had no real pressure in general from anyone, as I regularly had good school grades. Also, I was very involved in extra-curricular activities – cross-country running, baseball, singing in school concerts, gymnastics. I had to keep myself busy, as I would always finish my homework while still in class! I played a lot with the neighbourhood kids. I was an average kid by social standards. I delivered newspapers to earn money. We weren’t rich but we weren’t poor either – just a hard working family. One thing, was that I was often self-conscious of my looks, and wanting to ‘fit in’ with the ‘in’ crowds. However, I quickly made the connection that the ‘in’ crowds were not very scholarly, and decided the better thing was to focus on my schooling and keep having the fun I was having.

 The Teen Years

I’m not sure when, but that earlier episode of TTM totally went away, likely as I hit puberty. However, new experiences were onset by puberty. In my teens, I had terrific long hair. At the same time, I also started acquiring facial hair (upper lip mostly). I started electrolysis treatments for that. Yes, at first it was painful, but afterwards I actually started to enjoy it. Reason being, I was so busy in high school and part-time work that the only spare time I had to lie still and be quiet was during those treatments. The treatments were only for a few years, and since then I have not been concerned with that area as the upper lip hair is non-visible now. I wouldn’t consider the treatments to be TTM related.

I also started plucking my eyebrows, but in retrospect this was not TTM, just normal teenage beautifying.

I was still doing well in school, and I was starting to feel better about my looks.

 The University Years

I continued to do very well in University, majoring in Engineering. Also, I continued to gain confidence in my looks, and my hair looked the best it ever had. I was starting to gather the attention of young men (mind you, chances are good for that happening as my Engineering colleagues were mostly male). I had a couple of steady boyfriends over those years.

I also started noticing various pains in my abdominal region when I was 20. I dismissed these as PMS pains. Over the years, I thought it was unusual that I be in so much pain every day, intensifying a week before and a week ending my periods. I went to various doctors, one of which who told me it was ‘in my head’, that I was making it up to avoid exams. Thank God for my mother, who persisted and found other friends who had similar pains. I went to the same specialist those friends had been to. I had Endometriosis (in a nutshell, tissue lining the uterus ‘leaking’ outside of the uterus. The leaked tissue residing in the abdominal cavity would flare up during that time of the month due to hormonal surges, thus causing the pain). There are three general solutions for Endometriosis – medical treatment (inducing menopause), laser surgery, and having a baby. The last option was out, as I didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time. The doctor suggested the medical treatment first (lupron shots). And, that’s when the TTM started again.

At the time the lupron shots started, I had a boyfriend (who is now my husband). He was very patient with me, as the lupron turned me into a maniac. I was only 24, and I was on menopause but without hormonal therapy. Ouch! Well, I started pulling like there’s no tomorrow. My hair was still long, but the hair on the top of my head was very shredded. Hot flashes all the time too. I did not tell my boyfriend about the pulling and breaking, I would assume he had attributed my shaggy looking hair to the lupron treatments. FYI, the lupron did not help, and I had to resort to emergency laser surgery. The pains had finally gone away! Even though I stopped the lupron treatments long ago, unfortunately, the pulling and breaking continued up until the present day. As I kept pulling & breaking, my self-esteem kept sinking. I felt like I knew what was going on but I was out of control, something in my mind kept racing and racing until I broke that spell free. I somehow managed to finish my Masters degree in Engineering, but the TTM was still there.

It helped to have a terrific hairdresser. I told him all about my TTM, and he worked with the hair to help make the shredded parts fit in with the rest of my hair.

 The Recent Years

My boyfriend and I had gotten engaged in fall of 1996. It was not until that fall that I had discovered that what I had, had a name for it. I looked up ‘hair pulling’ on the Internet, and was surprised to find even a few listings. I had finally found others who had the same struggles as I.

As I read more & more about this, I became overwhelmed and began crying. I talked to my fiancée all about it, telling him of what I encountered. He said he wouldn’t have noticed my TTM, but now that I had mentioned it, he did notice my breaking & pulling. That fall, I would say my TTM was getting progressively worse. I had several bald spots on the top of my head, redness on my scalp around the bald spots, and thinning hair. I used a lot of hairspray to control the way my hair looked.

I’ve got to admit, I didn’t know what to do. I’d say for the next year or so, my husband was very supportive, always reminding me not to play with my hair. What I found frustrating was pulling a lot at work, and finding clumps of hair by the floor of my work area. I am left-handed, and so I use a computer mouse with my right hand. This means my left hand was free to pull, and so the left side of my hair was much lighter and shorter than my right.

In 1997, I did another search on the Internet for ‘hair pulling’, this time coming across a far greater number of sites. I had started corresponding with the Fairlight BB, and reviewed Amanda’s site in great detail. I had started corresponding with Amanda, and recall mentioning to her that I wanted to stop but didn’t know how. I started to seek psychiatrists and my family doctor for medication to help. I continued to review various TTM web sites. I do not recall where I finally got the idea, but fall of 1998 I decided to start keeping track of my TTM activity. It wasn’t formalized until Jan 1, 1999 (my New Year’s resolution was to monitor my TTM activity, not necessarily to overcome it). I also made notes of days where I pulled and broke a lot, to note what I needed to stay away from.

I thought monitoring TTM activity would take a lot of time and distraction, but it didn’t. I must note that I also became pregnant fall of 1998, and I wondered how much the hormonal changes that came with pregnancy would affect my TTM. I will continue to keep track, even after the baby’s born in case there are any hormonal changes affecting my progress with TTM.

I kept track daily on a spreadsheet for each day (including weekends) the number of pulls I made that day, the number of breaks that day, and cumulative averages for pulls and for breaks. I had a graph of the number of pulls and breaks from day to day, and was relieved to see the pulls decreasing over time (as was the cumulative average). Just by tracking this everyday was a reminder for myself, that I needed to eventually bring these numbers down. I started with something manageable first, just focussing on the pulls. When I felt this was under control (after a few months), I started also tracking the breaks.

Some of my findings:

To Summarize

Here is my list of what worked for me in attaining control over TTM: