Valerie's Story (Flower on the Fairlight BB)

Hi, I'm Valerie, AKA Flower on the Fairlite BB. I'm 46 years old and started pulling my scalp hair 33
years ago. My brows were added sometime in college.  I'm not sure exactly when I crossed the edge between
grooming them and trich. But I remember when I first pulled my scalp.

My trich started in 8th grade, age 13. I had my long hair up in pig tails and noticed in class that the part in the back was messed up and had some loose ones sticking out. I pulled them out to get rid of them.  It felt good, I pulled more. I looked at the roots, they were interesting and different. That night I went home and pulled some in front of the mirror, I played with the roots. I don't know when I actually started eating the roots, but I did. Later I looked in the mirror and saw a bald spot right in the middle of my head. No more pig tails! was all I thought and sure enough, when my hair was down, it was covered up. So I started pulling from another area and when that one showed I'd switch to yet another, always one step ahead of disaster. When my hair got thin enough to be
worrisome, I'd concentrate on brows. Or over eat.

I denied the damage consciously but still did all I could to hide it. It's a strange form of denial, but one I think many of us have. I'd pretend my hair looked alright even while I was positioning myself so no one would see the damage. Kind of sub-consciously
compensating for trich, while pretending I didn't have it. People were not unkind to me, only a few mentioned anything and I was enough in denial that I'd tell them that my hair was always like that or my brows always had that bare spot, even when I knew darn
well they knew it wasn't so. Nobody challenged me on it, although a psychologist priest friend in high school came close. But I was one of his "group" of teen drug users that he was trying to help and I think he knew that I'd be gone in a flash if he pushed it.

Yes, I got into drugs in high school. Psychedelics were my forte. I got into the "hippie" group because I just didn't fit in anywhere. My childhood friends all went different ways with different groups and I was really alone for a time. My new friends offered
me unconditional friendship. They didn't care if I had good grades or pulled my hair or was bald.  Everyone did their own thing and it was all ok. It really was a peace and love kind of group, although a dangerous one.

I don't remember ever being really bald but when I look at my high school graduation picture, the whole top of my head is about an inch long and the rest is shoulder length. My wedding pictures are the same.  And that was 5 years later.

My parents just ignored the whole thing, never said a word except for one time when my Mom noticed a bald spot and thought I had vitamin deficiency and gave me these huge vitamins to take. My sister did mention it, but not often as she was 7 years older than me and into her own life by the time I started pulling.

I've had to use creative hairstyling most of my life.  You know, changing the area of your part, combing hair behind the ears and clipping it back to hide bald spots above the ears, etc. I don't really recall a time when I was pull free, but there were times of lesser pulling and times of totally out of control pulling. I hated myself for pulling. I would sometimes hit myself or slap myself because I couldn't stop pulling. Thought I was weak and really a weirdo. So very ashamed and embarrased that someone would know. So very ashamed. Especially of the eating part. What kind of person stripped hair roots off the ends of hairs and ATE them???

But, in spite of trich, I've had a pretty good life, a bit of depression and drug use, but I'm married for 23 years this year and have 3 wonderful kids. I've always been a basically happy person. Denial has served me well these years.

But it was time for denial to end, my trich was thrown in my face full force when I noticed my son pulling.  I knew then that I had to stop, if only to show him it was possible to stop. I had known it was a disorder for quite a few years and had even written to TLC
once. My denial was so great however, that I carried those brochures around for months in my purse and never quite got the courage to read them completely.  I finally threw them out, afraid that someone would find them and know my secret. So in May of 1999, I
made an appointment with a behavioral therapist, through blind luck finding just the type of therapist for trich. I also typed trichotillomania into an internet seach engine. There it was, a bulletin board, a link with others. I clicked on the Farilite board and up it came, right there on my screen. No one was home so I looked around the site. Then I went to the bb itself. I read two, only two letters and was in overload. I couldn't, I just couldn't read anymore. I didn't want to have this! I wanted my trich to just be something that I could stop and the only reason I hadn't stopped before was that I hadn't *really* tried. My denial goes deep. I had tried to
stop times too numerous to count, but I was trying to convince myself that I had never *really* tried. I wanted the therapist to tell me I didn't have trich.  But the board called to me and I came back a few days later and read a few more. I started therapy and during one of the first sessions, he read a booklet about trich to me. It was, in retrospect, the best thing he could have done. I was there, too scared to up and run like I did with the TLC brochures and the bb, and forced to hear about trich. Forced to relate to the people's stories I was hearing, because they were me. But yet, I didn't have to have his full attention on me because he was reading it. That took some of the discomfort away. I was a wreck for a few weeks, coming to terms with having a disorder. I managed to cut way back in my pulling with the techniques I learned and with the support of the bb.   I started on prozac in August of '99 and went
completely pf for 40 days. I had hair and brows, short though the hair was, it was full!

But I crashed and I pulled after 40 days. I crashed hard, an all out frenzy of pulling with  all the self hatred alive and well in me. Denial was nowhere to be found. It took me many months to become pull free again and I crashed again...but not so badly this
time. I tried again and again and each time the fall was a little easier to accept. I have trich, I will fall occasionally and that's just the way it goes.

I believe I finally reached true acceptance when I started loosing my shame. The support of fellow trichsters helped with that as did actually meeting trichsters. In my letter to come, you will see when that happened and how unexpected it was. And how freeing and how wonderful it was. I've been permanently changed. I talk freely about trich with my family and my son is benefitting tremendously from the openness of it. We share stress toys and I feel so much closer to him since discovering we have this bond of trich. I'm reaching out to help others now, in helping them, I think I will truly be helping myself. I am today 30 days pull free on my scalp. My
brows are not doing so well, but it's the successes that matter most. I realize that I may fall again, but hope to be able to end the fall quickly and with minimal damage.

You may e-mail me if you like. flowerhugs@yahoo.com
is my address. I encourage all to join TLC.

Love,
Valerie

Note from Amanda

Following is a letter that Valerie put on the Fairlight BB.. I asked for her permission to add it here, as it reallly was a wonderful testimony of healing that is possible.

Date: Fri Jun 9 17:32:24 2000

Woo Hoo! I cannot believe what I did today! Twice yet!! I saw the psychiatrist today for a med check and I told him he can give other
trichsters my name and head them to the bb and tell them about TLC.  While he had known there was a bb, he hadn't known the URL till I gave it to him. And he hadn't known about TLC except that one of his trichsters had gone to a retreat once! I told him I
was thinking of starting a support group, which I am thinking about by the way...after the trichnic! One thing at a time! And
I told him about the trichnic. AND I told him about TLC's presentation in Chicago and how wonderful it was. Whew! I'm going to give him some of TLC's written info. So I might be hearing from other trichsters right here in Milwaukee! And one may be lurking on the board RIGHT NOW!! Who knows?! Hi! if you are!

AND!! I then had my gyn check up, not a big deal for me cause I don't pull there. BUT!! When my nurse-practitioner asked if I was
on any other new meds...I said yes, prozac for TRICHOTILLOMANIA!!!  Then I told her what it was. FANTASTIC!! Man, when I was walking out of those offices, I could have sworn I heard music...sounded like the Rocky theme, I think!

Look out world, here I come!

I also sent my TLC networking form in today, I'll be listed there as a contact person too!

I don't believe this, it was certainly not thought out ahead of time or planned, it just seemed right. It felt good and right. It felt
like it was time to do this. No more lies. I have trich, I am not wierd, I am not weak, I am not crazy (hehe, well, at least not
because of trich!).

Would any of you who knew me when I came here have imagined I would have done this??? Me! Who couldn't even talk to her
husband of 22 years about trich! Me! Whose self esteem was in the basement and went down a few sub levels after falling off the
wagon last autumn.  Me! Who couldn't even say the word trichotilomania until the TLC presentation. Me! Who was so deathly afraid that somebody might watch the Dateline show and know my secret (ok, stop with the me's already!).

It's all because of you all. From Alyssa to Zathras and everyone in between. Being here and finding you and talking about trich has made it so...normal. I'm not scared of the monster anymore. When you've laughed at your fears, they disappear. And we
certainly do laugh at trich here!

I know I'll still have ups and downs with pulling, but I feel so strong and confident this time. If I pull, I don't think it will be the tragedy it was before. I have trich island to come to. my wonderful, glorious friends on trich island. I can see the island and it is shining! Sparkly pf dust shimmering all over and people with smiling faces, holding hands, and laughing. And when one falls, teh others rush in to help them return to their feet. There are toys all over! bead balls like giant fruit hanging from trees. Klixx snakes gliding around happily. And what's that over there? Why it's a silly putty volcano and it's making new land for a bigger trich island to shelter all trichsters who come to our shores. There are no mirrors. And there are no wigs or hats or make up, because there is no shame. We are who we are and we are not trich.

Really really love ya!
Flower

Stats: Flower 10 days pf