3.5 Years down the line

This is now almost 3.5 years since I discovered that I wasn't alone, and wasn't crazy etc.  Where I am today as far as my trich goes?

Well, trich is still a very large part of my life.  It doesn't define me anymore, no.  I know now that I'm a person who are worthy to be loved, and I know I'm ok.  Previously I thought that I was defined by trich, by the pulling, saying that I was bad, worth nothing, crazy.  Today I still have trich, and even though it is still a big part of my life, it doesn't say that I'm bad or crazy.  I still have to fight against trich, I still have it.  I can't do exactly what I want to do... I still have to colour my hair (or else I'll probably pull the grey hair).   I still have to control my hands not to touch etc.  But trich isn't consuming all my thoughts anymore.  It doesn't take all my energy anymore to fight it.. I just have to concentrate on not getting into bad situations where I would be tempted to pull.

In a different way, trich is a huge part of my life.  Because of the 'work' that I do for the trich community, I'm busy with trich for the biggest part of my day.  I'm always looking for opportunities to share about trich, and basically busy with TLC work here in South Africa.  I must say, I never realized how much work it is to start such an organisation and get things off the ground.  But it is such a pleasure and a blessing to be able to help other people.  I'm just so thankful for the freedom and healing that I got by just getting the right information about trich, that I just want to help others get the same healing.

BUT after 3 years of being PPF (practically pull free), I had a big slip just before Christmas (1999).

Here is something I wrote to my friends, when it happened.

I've had a bad trich time lately but things are going well now again. One night, I actuallyl pulled a lot.. without thinking. I knew what I was doing, but wasn't concentrating and thought of it in the sense of .. it is just one hair. Well, I had a terrible shock when I looked next to me and there was a pile of hair! I just started crying.. I felt like all the years when I had pulled badly and saw the hair and wondered how i would cover it up. Fortunately I pulled at various places, so there wasn't any spots or anything like that. But it was such a shock - after 3 years, pulling like that again. Of course I started blaming myself.. I felt it wasn't real 'urges' that had made me pull. It was just something that started, and I did it. I didn't even really try to stop. So of course I was having a bad time afterwards, esp. the next morning when I told Louis. I felt that I couldn't blame the diet, that it was all just my own fault and that i didn't even try to
stop. Well, later on, Louis started reminding me of much I had eaten bad foods lately. Never huge amounts, but just little bits here and there.. but I realized later that they obviously all added up and
just took me over the limit. I think the food just got me started, but I didn't exercise any will power or anything, I just pulled.

Of course, being in a stressful time, didn't help either. Even though I'm really very happy here in the new house and new town, the new role (housewife, not working etc), isn't so easy for me to cope with. God has been working in my heart a lot - changing me, making me accept the things I have to do, and the new roles I'm having to play now. But still, it has been stressful.

I was very depressed, sad and angry at myself. But in the end, I think God used that to break me down completely, so that He could get through to me properly. I've been feeling very far from the Lord lately, really searching for Him, for His touch, for His Presence... not getting anything. I think that being broken down as I was, assisted me in really breaking through to God. I praise Him for still being there for me - for not leaving me when I couldn't hear Him, couldn't 'get through' to Him.
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Well, after exercising more discipline with my eating habits, trying to concentrate hard on doing the right things, and even 'reporting' my progress to a trich friend daily (we shared our diaries every day), things are right back on track again.

Do I still have trich?  Yes.  Does it break down my life?   No, not at all.  I'm NOT at the stage yet where I'm glad for having trich.   Definitely not.  I cannot say that anything good has come from having trich in the 21 years that I suffered from it in silence and shame.  BUT my life has changed dramatically in the last 3 years since I discovered the truth about this disorder.. that I'm not alone and not crazy.  In the last 3.5 years I have made wonderful friends, friends who have stood by me in every single situation.  My life has changed so much in the last 3.5 years.. I'm definitely like a new person.  I can now talk in a group, I feel worthy of love and attention, I accept people's love and care and I just have so much more self confidence and also even self-love.  I have had experiences (like going to the States and the retreat) that has been so very enriching and stimulating.   Yes, in cases like that, I see so much good that has come from having trich... and I'm very thankful for that.

May God bless you!

Amanda