One Year Ago

This is a piece I (Amanda)  wrote on my 1 year anniverary from being pull free - one year on the JK diet.  Something like a celebration........  (Reading through my site you'll notice that I got answers in the meantime for some of things I didn't understand at that time)

I am a TTM sufferer. I started pulling out my hair when I was 11 years old. I am now 33.

One year ago, I started working on the Internet, and suddenly, my whole life changed!

One year ago, I found that I have a DISORDER called Trichotillomania

One year ago, I realized that I was not the only person in the whole  world who did what I did. I learnt that I am one of millions and   millions of people who suffer from TTM, but we all suffer in  silence and secrecy and shame.

One year ago, I realized that I AM NOT CRAZY.

One year ago, for almost the first time in my life, I cried. I cried  for months and months, almost non-stop. For the first time I   could allow myself to cry - previously all feelings had to be kept  inside, for what could I say if people asked me why I cried? If I  told them, I had to tell them about my ‘secret’ - and under NO  circumstances would I ever do that. Even though I cried so much,  it was ‘healing crying’, I was being cleansed from the inside. 

One year ago, I could, for the first time, begin to ‘feel’ the  feelings that I didn’t allow myself to feel all these years. I  could allow myself to feel guilt, anger and shame. I allowed  myself to feel sorry for myself. I was angry at all the remarks  I got over the years, at all the bad advice I got, all the stares.  For the first time I was angry at the people who treated me like  this, instead of believing that I deserved it because I caused it  myself.

One year ago, I was extremely angry at God for allowing  this to happen to me, and not taking it away from me when I asked  so many times.

One year ago, I learned that it was NOT MY FAULT - IT NEVER  WAS! I learned that I was a VICTIM, not the guilty party, even   though I did it myself. I learned that I didn’t do ANYTHING to deserve it - I was born with this ‘hiccup’, but I didn’t do  anything to cause it.

One year ago ,I started to understand who I was, why I acted the way  I do, why I feel the way I do. I started to understand why I   always had an extremely bad self-esteem, even though I did well at  most of the things that I did. I started to realize why what I  did and achieved, was never good enough for myself. The reason  was that I knew about these other things that I did - things that  overwhelmed any achievement that I could have.

One year ago, I started, very slowly, to love and accept myself  again, to get rid of the incredible guilt and self-hate that I   had.

One year ago, I could stop hurting so much.

One year ago, I started, selectively, telling people about me having  TTM. And I instead of getting the rejection that was my biggest  fear for 21 years, I received incredible love and acceptance. NO  ONE rejected me, NO ONE despised me, NO ONE laughed at me. In  fact, I just received a lot of love, sympathy , acceptance and  support. I thank and praise God for that.

Today I still don’t understand why God allowed this disorder to be in my life, but I know that He is in charge and that He loves me very  very much. I asked so many times that I would just be able to  stop, ‘just like that’. It never happened, but by giving me the  knowledge that I have a disorder called TTM, He has healed the  pain and damage of 21 years - healing that would not have been  possible if He had just taken the urges away. He has given me  ove and acceptance that I never thought was possible.

My prayer is that what I have written, may help someone realize that there is hope, love, acceptance AND a normal life, despite having TTM. May the Lord strengthen us all.