5 Months of pulling at times

Here is what has been going on in my life lately

I got this verse: John 9: 3 (where Jesus was asked why a man
was blind - was it his fault or his parent's fault (sin?)). this is
the same man that Jesus healed by spitting on the ground, putting mud
to his eyes and sending him so wash his eyes in the bath of Seloam.
(this is my 'comfort' verse from the Lord - where I know now that
Jesus heals people in various ways, remember?

Anyway, Jesus answered:
v3 - Neither this man, nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this
happened so that the work of God may be displayed in his life.

To me, this message wasn't abt the sinning issue, but abt the
works of God being displayed in my life.

I didn't know what it meant exactly, but I knew that God was saying
it to me. I knew that the fight that I was fighting, would bring
glory to God somehow.

But...... since December 99 (5 months), since me moved to
Klerksdorp, I have been really struggling with my hair. AS
you know, I had quite a few streaks of pulling times - and I
cried and asked for prayer etc. etc. Then it went okayish for a few
days and then it started again. It was like I just couldn't get
control. I felt bad and worried - because I felt like I didn't
even want to try to stop - like it would just take so much
energy. I realized that I wasn't eating right either - I wasn't
eating really bad things like chocolates, but every now and then
I would just be eating little things with sugar in, like the cookies
that is always in our house. At one stage I forgot to drink my
contraceptive pills for a few days, and that caused quite bad
pulling. I thought that was the only reason for my pulling. But
then the pulling continued - mostly when I was on the bed, reading.
I started looking for more reasons - is it because I cannot cope
with moving to Klerksdorp, or maybe because Louis wasn't home often
or because I couldn't cope with the stress of the seminar that I'm
busy organising. Still, it was like I just couldn't start the 'real
fight'. I thought too that I have awakened the trich monster, and
now I'm struggling to get him back to sleeping mode.
I felt bad, and weak and was ashamed when I saw references to my
'pull free' status. I knew that I was seriously busy moving away
from that status. I was moving into full pulling mode. Oh, I was
'clever' enough not to pull all at one spot, but .. sigh.. watching
the amount of hair on the bed after a pulling spree was totally
sickening. Yet... I still couldn't get the courage to keep on
fighting. and in the back of my mind I knew that my diet was
probably playing a role. Yet, I had no self-discipline to stay on
the diet. I realized at the 6day race, that the hot cross buns
that I've been eating were definitely causing me to pull.. yet, I
was eating 2 a day - without being able to control myself.

I spoke to someone from our homecell on Wednesday, and told her that
I didn't even really want to ask people to pray for me - because in
the end, it is me who have to fight the fight. I can't only ask for
prayer and think something miraculous is going to happen and that I
won't have to do anything myself. In the end, it was up to me to
fight the fight.

Wednesday at homecell, after much consideration and gathering
courage, I told the people at homecell abt my pulling and asked them
to pray for me. I also told them that I believe it was diet related
but that I didn't have any control abt it. they said they would,
and then went into a discussion abt how some people struggle to stay
on diets. It felt like they didn't really understand the importance
of what I have just told them.

Thursday I went into town and bought myself a LOT of sugar free
things - 2 slabs of chocolate, 3 packets of sugar free pudding, and
sugar free custard. I thought that maybe my diet-problems were
psychological (because I felt so deprived lately), and that if
I had all that stuff available, maybe I wouldn't have those cravings
for sweet things.

At the 6 day race (and afterwards) I was very angry at the world for
not being able to eat sugar. And then, and afterwards, it was like I
just couldn't eat enough. I could never get enough. I would be
full... but then I would get up again, looking for something to
eat. It was like I was being chased - and I felt ashamed of it -
always eating or drinking something - and I had no self control.

Well, I went to my parents house this weekend. Friday night I lay
in bed reading and pulling, pulling, pulling. The shocking thing to
me, is that I experienced some physical feelings while pulling..
things I haven't felt in years and years. Nothing sinister, just the
feeling when more than one hair came out of my scalp etc.
When I put off the light, I felt sick for what have been going on,
- the amount of hair and my inability to stop and my not
even wanting to stop. I put off the light and went to sleep.

the next morning I woke up, feeling bad and depressed - and
it took me a few moments to realize why I felt like that. It was
like I realized I couldn't' go on like this - yet, I had NO idea on
how to stop it. I just felt like I had no self-discipline and had no
plans and no hope. I started really crying out to the Lord,
telling Him how hopeless I felt - and that I didn't know what to
do. Nothing happened.

I then decided to buy myself some fruit to try and eat fruit
instead of cookies. I really didn't want to - I don't really like
fruit - it is ok, but no choice if I have to choose between that
and real sweets of cookies etc. But I knew I had to do something,
so I bought the fruit, but not even knowing how I was going to
'force' myself to eat it.

I was driving in the car thinking of something I told someone lately
- nothing is 'happening' to you - you are making it happen
yourself. And... it is choice - and you are the only one that can
make that choice. I was also listening to a tape - which
made me realize that I have been neglecting my relationship with the
Lord as well.

Anyway, I had bought the fruit and was driving in the car and I
started crying. I just thought:

No one understands what I'm busy going through
No one even really cares
No one is available for me (and those that do care and understand(
Robin and Louis) are not available right now)

Even in thinking it, I thought - the Lord understands, but it isn't
like a 'real person' who can give me sympathy and hold me and show
they care.

Anyway, suddenly I made an astonishing discovery. I give all honour
and glory to the Lord - I truly believe that He revealed this to
me.

Ever since I moved to Klerksdorp, my whole routine had
changed. Up to then, I used to work, and always took my
food to work with me. (My sandwiches and my 2 fruits a
day) (at least). I would 'stock' up and when I got home I ate more
bread or something and then the kids got home and then it was
homework and supper and Louis was home etc. Now in Klerksdorp
I'm at home the hole day, putting me more in contact with the
cookies and things, but also - I'm not in a routine to eat my
sandwiches and fruit. Fruit - BINGO!

Suddenly I realized what my body has been trying to tell me for 5
months. I haven't' eaten fruit for 5 months! Now and then we had
something, but I certainly never ate my 2 fruits or more a
day. when I just started the diet - I got jittery and like something
was chasing me - and I realized that my body needed sugar - so I
started eating fruit to make up for the lack of sucrose in my
diet.

Coming to Klerksdorp, I had completely forgotten abt it!
Eating fruit was something I 'had to do' - to try and keep my weight
down. But I had completely forgotten abt my body's need for
sugar! That was why I was having those eating binges - my body
NEEDED the sugar, and I kept on feeding it with non-nutritive foods -
sugar free colddrink, sweets, pudding etc.. yet, nothing filled
the need of my body - sugar!

Oh, I was so excited to realize what has been the problem!!

I ate 3 fruits yesterday, and instead of thinking as fruit as my
enemy, something I 'have to' eat, I'm starting to think of the
fruit as my friends, something that helps me prevent the urges for
sweet things. And Saturday surely, it went SO much better - no
pulling, but also no urges for things to eat the whole time.

I can just thank and praise God for revealing that to me. It took 5
months, but I'm positive that the viscous circle is going to be
stopped now (with God's help).
_____________________

3 days later 

Things are going great - I can see a huge difference - I'm not running around the whole time, wanting to eat.   This results in NOT eating sugar and not having urges.  At one stage today, I realized that I haven't through of my hair today at all.

Some thing I just realized again - without the diet - I have virtually no control and within a short while I would be totally back to pulling again.  I can just thank and praise the Lord again that He has opened my eyes (eventually) to see the answer - eat fruit to give my body the sugar it needs!